Random Meandering

One of those days...

2012-02-11T01:46:00.000-07:00

Today was going to be one of those days. I knew it when we got up this morning. Some days are pretty normal and some days are not. Today was not, or was, depending on how you define normal. Today also confirmed some suspicions I've had about my youngest child. It started out with me asking him to get ready for the day. I told him he needed to get his pants on. He searched in his room and couldn't find any, but I was able to dig out a pair in the basket of clothes that still needs to be folded. I handed them to him, and he stuck out his leg and draped them across it. Technically they were "on" him, and these are the antics that are starting to convince me that I have one of those "Spirited", "difficult", highly intelligent children. I asked him if today was going to be a good day or a bad day and he said "good!", giggled, and proceeded to get dressed. A minor meltdown occurred when he couldn't get the pants snapped, but that was soon taken care of.

Our day proceeded with me going to work, and the kids getting to go to Grandma's house after school, which is a highlight of their week. After work, as we were getting dinner ready, Grandma brought the boys over with a warning that they had each had a pudding cup. Eh, no big deal I thought, they usually handle pudding pretty well. As the evening progressed though, I became more and more convinced that my youngest had something a bit stronger than sugar. His activity level reminded me of a busy, busy little bee. This energy is different from his older brother, who will absentmindedly spin five or six times before moving onto something else. The youngest however was flitting from this room to that, from this activity to that, trying to hold still on a chair and shaking his head from side to side with such speed. One of the privileges the children have is that on the weekend as long as chores are done and the school week has gone well, they get to play computer games. He patiently waited his turn, but no sooner had he logged in and began his game, than he was distracted by a lego that my husband was holding.

He launched himself at and onto people, tried to start a fist fight with his stepfather and his uncle, and his brothers. In an effort to distract and perhaps calm, I asked if he wanted to do an activity out of his preschool/K phonics book. That got his attention and he chose the page he wanted to do, and then calmly finished it, after receiving instructions from and suggestions that he get the crayon box. After he was finished and we were winding down for the night, we asked him to put the crayon box away. He tripped while carrying it and crayons went flying everywhere. This started to spark a meltdown on his part about having to pick them all up. However, with some encouragement and the reminder that he is capable of this, he was able to get them picked up. It was one of those days.

I've long given up on having him on any sort of schedule, as far as sleeping, eating, etc. His energy levels sometimes seem astronomical. Once in awhile, I'll send him to bed, and then hours later, after I've gotten up in the middle of the night for any number of reasons, I'll find him wide awake sitting in his room, playing intently with his Legos. He can play for hours with those Legos, he has always been good at self entertainment.

He is a highly active, highly perceptive, highly sensitive child. I went to observe his classroom the other day, and what I noticed about him, is that he notices everything. Every movement is a distraction, he is so wrapped up in what is going on around him, that he doesn't seem to have time to do what is required of him.

He has always been an extremely independent child and I knew he would be a challenge when, at the age of one, having learned to walk, I turned my back on him to complete a chore, and he was across the street, playing in the neighbors garden. He will make his mind up about something, and that's it. He is an absolute delight on those good days, when the little things don't get to him. He can tell you all sorts of stories. He's funny and charming. He can talk your ear off if you let him. On the other days however, watch out, any little thing will spark a melt down. He also loves to push people's buttons, and once he figures out how to get someone riled up, he'll do it, just for kicks.

A new year, a new outrage

2012-01-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

We are two weeks into the new year, the year the Mayan calendar ends, the year elections are held, and importantly the year that an extremely dangerous piece of legislation is looking like it will pass. Its hard to put into words how outraged I am over this. I start thinking about what this will mean for websites that I frequent, and I get angry. If you haven't heard of this legislation here is a link to it: http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c112:H.R.3261:

What I am given to understand from reading this bill is that, say you, my reader, linked something in a comment on my blog, say the link was to something that was copyrighted, or, perhaps someone just *thinks* its copyrighted. Well, guess what, MY site would go down for investigation. Because someone else linked to it in a comment. Or, say I post a picture of my kids, and one of them is wearing a shirt with a copyrighted logo on it, that would be a felony. Now, go look at your photos that you have posted to Facebook or on your blog. Look closely at those pictures. Is someone wearing something with a corporate logo on it? Felony. Is there anything in the background that is under copyright? Felony. Do you have embedded home video on your blog? Is there music playing in the background, say from the TV, is it a song that was written by an artist that is still alive or has died less than seventy years ago? Felony.

Are you scared yet?

This is a doorway to information censorship and any sort of censorship is an affront to one of the great tenets of this country, The freedom of speech. I realize that right now the bill is only targeting offshore sites, but considering the WWW is a global entity, how long before it becomes U.S. sites that are targeted? And how many sites do you visit regularly that are located on different parts of the globe? Do you read blogs from Europe, Asia, Australia? If a corporation decided that that blog *may* have copyrighted content, and it got taken down, would you be outraged? Then let's stop this before it starts, call your congressman, your senators, sign a petition.

Freedom isn't free, but information should be.

Sometimes....

2010-09-21T23:04:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I am invisible

Sometimes I am not good enough

Sometimes I can't hold your attention

Sometimes I crave your touch

Sometime I feel like I don't deserve this

Sometimes I take what I can get

Sometimes I'm not loud enough

Sometimes I think I can scream

Sometimes I just bite my tongue

Sometimes it's just not important

Sometimes I just don't remember

Sometimes I just can't forget

Sometimes I'm scared

Sometimes I'm brave

Sometimes it doesn't matter

Sometimes it does

A week into it

2010-09-02T18:58:00.000-06:00

We are a week in to the school year and things are going great! The kids are loving school, learning from their teachers, playing and making new friends. James is especially loving being able to be a big boy and go to school. Donovan is feeling slightly left out since his brothers get to go and he doesn't. I've been trying to include him in the things that I'm doing and he gets to go on ride alongs to work on computers when I'm at work. Today he helped me clean the kitchen by taking boxes out to the big trashcan outside. He will be starting the online preschool soon, I got a call saying he was accepted into the program so thats exciting. I think he'll love it.

I finished reading a online book, published independently. Found out it was available to order directly from the printing press. It was a good enough story that I shelled out the $20 for it. Its called Mortal Ghost. It was an amazing story, I haven't gotten that drawn into a story like that in awhile. The author is very talented and has another story that she has published on her website that I have yet to begin. I'm looking forward to curling up with my laptop and reading another good story by her.

Its amazing

2010-08-12T23:22:00.000-06:00

It's amazing how a simple phrase can light up the world. In all its darkness, the capacity of human kindness can give hope that reaches the darkest corners. I feel my self, at times, blushing like a young girl inexperienced with the cynical world that we live in. Trying so hard to be strong enough for everyone. Holding on just a little longer for the sweetest thing to ever appear. My heart races, my breath catches, and I try to hold onto that moment for a little bit longer.

Once... and I'm starting to remember

2010-08-07T17:48:00.000-06:00

There was a time not too long ago that I was actually pretty organized, although it didn't feel like it at the time. I had habits and routines and things that I did that made life pretty simple. A big thing I did was menu planning. I'd sit with my calendar, a pen and the week's grocery ad. I'd also have in the back of my mind a list of all the food I had in the house that needed used. And I would plot out what would be for dinner on which night. I would do this after filling in all activities into the calendar so I'd know on which days we needed a simple meal, and which days we could do a fancier meal. It all depended on timing. In this world of digital, I've started to go back to that, and again, I feel rusty, like I remember how to do this, but its been so long I don't know if I still can. But I know I can, just a little bit at a time. I'm using my google calender, that syncs with my Android. That way, I can see it no matter where I am. Just pull out the phone and there it is.

For awhile, I also made my bed as soon as I got up, or sometimes during the day. I'd also do a load of laundry every day, and while I was sorting the clothes, I would make another pile of clothes that were just too stained or torn to be worth washing. As soon as I had started a load of laundry, I would bag up the pile of clothes and put it by the door to take with me to the local thrift store. This system kept my house fairly livable.

But you know, I still hate cleaning!

Its ALIVE!!!

2010-08-07T12:05:00.000-06:00

So, I've been dabbling with the technical arts under the wonderful apprenticeship of the greatest guy in the world. We've had some fun figuring out how to make things work and how to fix whats wrong with others. Sometimes if you have something that seems dead, its worth it to see if there are any solutions to the death. Resurrecting electronics has become quite fun. The other night we had a printer that just was not going to work, when the power button was pushed it would bring up one lonely yellow light instead of the 2-3 green ones that meant it was ready for printing. This required an unconventional method of restoring life to the poor printer. The board in the printer had a cold solder break. Solution: Bake board at 400 degrees for 5 mins, let cool, replace, test: ITS ALIVE!

Another printer that seemed to be at death's door was giving an ink system failure error. Hmm, ok.... that means its done for right? Well, lets see what google says... GOOGLE is the best! Hmm, this seems to be a common error on this printer, so there should be a solution, ok, not as unconventional as baking, but still an interesting solution, unplug the printer, press two buttons while simultaneously plugging the printer back in. This resets the printer and its good to go.

So, my advice to you, if you have a piece of electronics that seems like its dead and in no way going to be saved ever, google it, type in the search bar the model you have and the problem you are having, its a quick way to find out if there is a solution or if you are out of luck.

Good luck with all endeavors!

Hmm.... something is needed... MORE PHOTOS

2010-08-01T17:26:00.000-06:00

I think I should be adding more photos to this blog.

Well, that was fun... I got started on this post and then was taken with the evil flu. I spent the last couple of days a hostage of my bathroom. I haven't been that sick in a long time.

So anyway the reason for more photos is because I found a photobook program that will take your blog and make a book of it. Its www.blurb.com I thought it was a neat idea.

Its been awhile, and its sure good to see you

2010-07-29T16:33:00.000-06:00

Its been awhile since I've written, and my writing gears feel like they've rusted. I've had so many thoughts and experiences and things that I should have been writing about over the last year. It snowed so much this last winter that I thought we'd never see summer, but one morning, the snow was gone and the grass was green and the birds were chirping and spring had left. Seems spring happened while we were waiting for the snow to melt.

I've moved into a house, that I'm trying to buy. I've been renting it for almost a year now. There are things it needs, cosmetic touches and some major overhauls and remodeling.

I started a small garden. Right now its mostly radishes, winter squash, and cucumbers. The cucumbers were A's idea, he loves them. I'm hoping that the plants produce and we have the joy of eating some fresh homegrown vegetables this year. The kids are so curious about how things are growing that I have to watch and make sure they don't pull the plants up to check the roots!

My kids have shot up like weeds, A starts 2nd grade and J starts K. and D, well, D, will be enrolling in http://www.utahupstart.org/index.html, an online based preschool program. The other night my oldest stood next to me and I had to look twice, because he's gotten so tall. His head is now at just below my shoulder. J is also getting taller and he's extremely strong. D has finally started growing out of some of his allergies although some foods still cause him to break out and his skin to be extremely weak. I've found some creams and ointments that work extremely well. Dermarest and Dermazinc both work really well at clearing up the rash and cooling and relieving the itchies.

For the most part life is pretty good. I still work at the bank, I have enough money to live on and to splurge once in a great while. I splurged today on Green Day rock band. I've been listening to their music for the past couple days and remembered how much I really enjoy their music.

I finally bought some books from the Eat This, Not That series. They are very interesting. I bought the restaurant survival guide, the 2010 book, and the kids book. I'm going to buy the supermarket survival guide next. My son and I sat and looked through the kids book and he seemed to enjoy knowing what healthy choices he could make when eating out or when faced with candies or treats.

I also recently watched the documentary Super size Me. The guy really put his body through the ringer. He started out as fairly healthy adult male, and decided he was going to eat nothing but McDonald's food for 30 days. His doctors got to a point they were all asking him to quit the binge because of the side effects it was having on his overall health. I haven't stepped foot in a McDonald's in over 5 years. I haven't officially eaten there in 10. This just made me glad that I don't eat there anymore and to rethink eating at any fast food restaurant. After doing some research though, Wendy's chili is a fairly healthy fast food option. Its low in calories and high in protein and its extremely tasty and filling.

Well, enough for now, can't overwork those writing gears too much, gotta ease back into this, I'll be back tomorrow with some pics of the last year's adventures. Much love to all my faithful readers.

The act of 'not-being'

2009-09-30T19:38:00.002-06:00

Its exhausting. Not being something. I'm so tired of it, not being a good mother, not being a good student, not being ... something. Not being heard. Not being good at anything I do. Just.. in a perpetual state of not being. And the not being is more exhausting than the alternative, because when you are yourself, its easy, and renewing.

I'm just so exhausted by this state of not being. I can feel the numbness spreading.

The pain of life

2009-09-13T02:42:00.002-06:00

Pretend that it doesn't matter how much I care. Pretend that it can all be brushed aside. Is it heartlessness? I don't know. All I know is that I do care. That doesn't change because its belittled or shrugged aside. I care. The conclusion is that it doesn't matter whether its reciprocated or not. It doesn't change that one little fact. In this moment, that is the truth. What is past has no bearing on it, and what is future cannot change it. You say run, like its the easiest thing to do. How can I run when my feet are made of lead. Planted firmly, steadfastly in this place. Wherever it is. Whatever it is. Exploring this new and different situation. Part of me feels it should be frightening, uncertainty awaits. I trust that I will be kept safe though, or that the pain on this journey is just a part of the experience. Its an experience I'm willing to endure for the joy it brings as well as the pain that must surely occur. Loss is inevitable. I am aware of that. I accept it.

2009-08-19T20:22:00.002-06:00

Watching the sun go down on another summer. School starts tomorrow. There were so many things I had planned for the summer and I didn't get around to all of them. But there are a few warm months left so I'll be able to take the kids to the parks in our area. I want to take them to Natural Bridges, Arches, Canyonlands, exploring on the mountain. Fishing perhaps. We've been able to get a lot of camping done thanks to a very good friend of mine. The kids love camping and every day ask if they can go again. They have such a fun time running around and playing.

I bought a truck so that we would have an easier time getting around the mountain and all the other places I want to visit. I love it! That truck is so great. Its a 1985 Ford F-250. Manual transmission with 4WD. Extended cab so I can haul the kids around.

FINE

2009-08-03T22:15:00.003-06:00

I'm fine. FINE. F.I.N.E.

Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.

Freaked out because this emotion is new and unusual and I don't know how to handle it.

Insecure because I think I may be the only one that feels this way.

Neurotic because my mind is racing.

Emotional because its scary as hell.

Falling. Inescapable. Necessary. Eternal.

I am fine. Fine. FINE. F.I.N.E.

Myers-Briggs Personality Test

2009-07-13T15:03:00.002-06:00

I had taken this years ago. I couldn't remember what the result was exactly but thought it was either INFJ or INFP. Reading through both of the descriptions I decided on INFJ. But thought perhaps that the years may have altered the result. So I took the test again. The results were INFJ. Again. The description seems accurate. http://typelogic.com/infj.html

If anyone wants to take the quiz, I took it at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

the rumor mill

2009-07-11T18:22:00.000-06:00

This has been rolling around in my brain for the last little while. Living in a small town people tend to assume things and watch you and spread rumors that they think are facts. Some are harmless, and extremely entertaining when they get back to you. Others are quite damaging and tragic. One false word can ruin someone's life, livelihood and peace.

I haven't seen this movie yet but I thought this was a powerful story and illustration of the damage of gossip. This is from Doubt with Meryl Streep. I believe its the Priest speaking.

A woman was gossiping with her friend about a man whom they hardly knew - I know none of you have ever done this. That night, she had a dream: a great hand appeared over her and pointed down on her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O' Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. 'Is gossiping a sin?' she asked the old man. 'Was that God All Mighty's hand pointing down at me? Should I ask for your absolution? Father, have I done something wrong?' 'Yes,' Father O' Rourke answered her. 'Yes, you ignorant, badly-brought-up female. You have blamed false witness on your neighbor. You played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed.' So, the woman said she was sorry, and asked for forgiveness. 'Not so fast,' says O' Rourke. 'I want you to go home, take a pillow upon your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me.' So, the woman went home: took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to her roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed. 'Did you cut the pillow with a knife?' he says. 'Yes, Father.' 'And what were the results?' 'Feathers,' she said. 'Feathers?' he repeated. 'Feathers; everywhere, Father.' 'Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out onto the wind,' 'Well,' she said, 'it can't be done. I don't know where they went. The wind took them all over.' 'And that,' said Father O' Rourke, 'is gossip!'

I refuse to let rumors and gossip color my opinion of anyone. I want to know who that person is, not who someone else tells me that person is. I believe that many powerful friendships and relationships can be lost over simple misunderstandings.

I've also learned to watch what I say to certain people. If I don't want something getting around the town, there are certain people that I won't tell. These are the same people that if I have something that needs to be spread, as in, I am going to have to tell a lot of people, I tell them, because I know the right people will be informed.

There are some things that are just too precious to share. Things that are too sacred to become the fodder of slander. Those things I keep to myself.

ramble ramble ramble

2009-06-18T19:23:00.002-06:00

I have some great friends. I'm not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination. But I do have a few very close friends. I have one that is just amazing to me. Last night, came over, noticed I had laundry baskets out on the living room floor, "doing laundry?" "well, I was, but I had one problem, no quarters" immediately stands up and starts digging through pockets, "sorry, but all I could find was ten dollars worth" stacks them neatly on my floor and won't take them back.

I went to the softball game last night. My brother plays and it was a bit of nostalgia sitting in those cold, metal bleachers watching the men play ball, as I had watched them as teens play ball years ago. When we were in high school Ellie and I would walk to the ball park and watch the boys play. Nightgames were great fun, and they still are. It was a blast watching them play. They all love the game and you can tell by the way they play. Watching the outfielders crash into each other in a scramble to get to the ball, line drives right into the pitcher's leg, the taunting and the teasing. One of the player's sons they let play, looks so small out there with those big players. But that kid can play. Homeruns, beautiful basehits, triples, beautiful throws from outfield to home. And everyone cheering him, and then his mom who is sitting in the bleachers with all of us. And at the end of the 7th inning, both teams not wanting to quit, so playing another round. No score, no pressure, the best plays were made during that time. Righties batted left, lefties batted right, homeruns were scored on basehits, triples were made on bunts, slides, dust clouds, running, catching, laughing. Everyone enjoying the game and not worrying about the score. Just beautiful.

So I'm starting to explore the world of twitter. I think it can be useful, for those little one line thoughts I want to explore, toss, get feedback on, perhaps, like mini blogging.

I just finished another book, it was good, emotionally rending, its My Sister, My love, by Joyce Carole Oats. I can't really describe it, just that it was excellent. Hard to read because of the raw emotion of the main character. But still good.

Ok, slight confession, I'm fascinated by astrology, and astronomy. But astrology, I find fascinating, I don't necessarily believe that the stars predict fate and whatnot, but I love mythos, and that is a branch of myth. I find it fascinating how many different interpretations of a singular subject there are. At opposite ends of the spectrum, one gemini website says "you are shy, but intelligent" another says "you are outgoing and persuasive". I guess thats the curse of being the "twin" sign. Opposite sides of a coin, oh well.

Ok, I think I can sleep now, if not I'll be up writing again.

Paying Respect

2009-06-07T10:26:00.002-06:00

I did it. After not being able to for over a year. A visit to the cemetary in the company of a couple of friends prompted me to just deal with it. I visited Brandon. It was harder and easier than I thought it would be. As I knelt at his headstone, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I swallowed them back as I didn't want to explain the reason for my tears to the people I was with. I doubt I could even explain them to myself. Regrets, guilt, sorrow for all the moments missed, for all that could have been. His headstone is a beautiful and loving tribute to his young life. A picture of him in a tux adorns the front of the headstone. I apologized for missing his funeral and for not being strong enough to visit his grave before this moment. His death hit me hard. It still does. When the cemetary begins to be populated with your peers, its time to evaluate life and how you are living.

I miss him. And I didn't even know him. Just as a fellow classmate. Its our ten year reunion this year and as a class we are planning on paying tribute to him and another of our classmates that passed on.

Three years ago

2009-06-04T23:42:00.002-06:00

My life changed. The most amazing experience was given to me by my youngest son. His arrival was intense and unique. We celebrate his birthday today. I didn't plan anything interesting or exciting but we stayed home and fixed his favorite food for dinner and friends and family stopped by throughout the day to drop off gifts and birthday wishes.

He was born in my bathroom at 4:20am on June 4 of 2006. Unexpected and unplanned he rushed into this world. He's been a wonderful child and his personality has developed into such a fun loving person. He is quite imaginative and talkative. Its hard to believe its been three years already. He's such a darling child.

Here's wishing a Happy Birthday to Donovan. :)

Too Much

2009-05-04T14:34:00.002-06:00

Do you ever feel like everything is coming at you at once and you just can't get caught up? I've got a lot on my plate right now, so I'm trying to organize my thoughts. Writing always helps.

My house. Ok, so I'm buying my child hood home from my mother. Just found out that the property taxes haven't been paid for a couple years and its about to go up on auction. I'll be able to scrounge the money before the due date but its stressing me out. I've also got to get my brother out of that house, I don't want to kick him out with nowhere to go but I also don't want to be paying on a house that I'm not living in. I also need to pack and get ready for the move, which I hate doing. It'll be good of course, give me a chance to really declutter, but blegh, I hate it with a passion.

School. I get a letter from the school I'm going to saying the account is past due and being sent for collections. Wait. Um, What????? So, I start checking my online account with them. Its showing a charge for the summer semester and a tiny bit for last semester. Its also showing that I have financial aid available, but it doesn't look like its been applied yet. I've emailed the financial counselor, she has yet to get back to me, I've tried calling, same thing. I finally emailed my enrollment counselor, he's always on the ball, within five minutes he had forwarded the email to a couple people in the finance office. I mean, I'd like to stay on with the school, I'm loving classes and doing really well. I don't want to get locked out because someone dropped the ball somewhere. Its enough to make me want to pull my hair out.

The kids. I love my kids, they're wonderful. T-ball signups were last week. I missed the deadline. With all the other stress and everything else, that was what tipped the emotional scales. I sobbed for an hour about it. As it turns out, my son doesn't want to play t-ball. Which doesn't surprise me, he's not a sport like child. He did however express interest in the 4-H summer camps they are offering. I got a notice about them on Friday, May 1st. It said have this sheet turned into us, by May 1st. I wanted to SCREAM!!! I bit the bullet and turned it in anyway today, hopefully he'll be signed up for photography class and the environmental class.

In other news, I bought a 360. Now, I do not like video games, mostly. I already have a wii. But the 360 was cheap and its much more than a gaming console. My favorite feature right now is the netflix streaming. Since I have a netflix account, I can add certain movies to my watch instantly qeue, and they will show up on the 360 so I can watch on the tv instead of the computer. I love that! I've also got a few friends who have 360s and we can chat on it while we're playing or watching movies. Its been fun so far and well worth the money I spent. I still need to buy some games, but the free trials and demos are enough for now. The kids love banjo and kazooie, and I might actually buy the full version, but for now, they're happy as clams with the demo. I also have a regular XBOX set up right now, its not mine, it belongs to a friend. On weekends we get together and play co-op games. So far, we love Hunter The Reckoning: Redeemer. We played almost all weekend. Saturday we spent out at the dump rescuing old computers that the high school had thrown out. That was fun, it started out as the perfect day for it, and then we got caught in a thunderstorm, complete with hail.

So, there's my life. Crazy stuff.

Awesome video

2009-04-22T19:31:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

you won't regret it. trust me.

Pantry Challenge

2009-04-20T10:32:00.002-06:00

In order to save money and make room in my pantry, freezer and fridge, this week all meals will be cooked based on what I have in the house, there will be no runs to teh store!!

Breakfasts will be oatmeal, and if I have time, bacon and eggs.

For lunch we have chili, mac and cheese, and hot dogs.

Tonights dinner will be either a ham, or beans and rice if the ham hasn't thawed by tonight.

Homemade chili, baked chicken, pork roasts, pork chops, with sides of rice and various canned veggies for the rest of the week. Tacos with homemade tortillas one night probably.

Wish me luck!

Playing with the camera

2009-04-19T20:27:00.003-06:00

I was able to get out and explore the county yesterday. The kiddos were with their dad so I had some me time. I found some great places to experiment with my camera. Here's a fancy, rusty old tractor. Click on each picture to see the full version of it.

random quiz time again

2009-04-15T19:33:00.002-06:00

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
Hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
sweatshirt grey

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
YESSSSSS

4. Do you plan outfits?
no

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
tired of the snow

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red?
twizzlers

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
AIM

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
was caught kissing someone a friend didn't think I should

9. Did you meet anybody new today?
NOPE

10. What are you craving right now?
water

11. Do you floss?
ONCE A DAY

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
fried with onions in bacon fat

13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
LONG TIME AGO!!

14. Are you emotional?
LATELY YES:(

15. Would you dance to the taco song?
I am too uncoordinated to dance

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
yes, every day, i work at a bank

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick

18. Do you like your hair?
yes, gotta cut it though

19. Do you like yourself?
YEAH

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
no

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
ew, curdled milk

22. What are you listening to right now?
no rain by blind melon

23. How many countries have you visited?
NONE

24. Are your parents strict?
not so much

25. Would you go sky diving?
probably not

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
nah

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
no

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
my tanktop has sequins on the bottom

29. Have you ever been in a castle?
no

30. Do you rent movies often?
netflix

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
NO MATH CLASS!!

32. Have you made a prank phone call?
YES WHO HASNT?

33. Do you own a gun?
no

34. Can you count backwards from 74?
YES

35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
the kids and a friend

36. Brown or white eggs?
brown

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
yes

38. Ever been on a train?
YEAH

39. Like the person your dating?
why date some one you don't like?

40. Do you have a cell-phone?
YES

41. Are you too forgiving?
YEAH SOMETIMES

42. Do you use chap stick?
YEPP

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
WORKING I AM SURE

44. Can you use chop sticks?YES

45. Ever have cream puffs?
YEAH

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
NO

47. What was the last question you asked?
Where are your clothes!

48. What was the last CD you bought?
blue october

49. Boys or girls?
I have three boys, and I like dating MEN!

50. What is your bus number for school?
no bus

51. Is your hair curly?
NOPE

52. Last time you cried?
a couple nights ago

53. Ever walked into a wall?
MHM

54. Do looks matter?
KINDA

56. Have you ever slapped someone?
YES

57. Favorite time of the year?
SUMMER

58. Favorite color?
blue

59. Are you sarcastic?
KINDA

60. Do you have any tattoos?
NOPE!

61. The last person you held hands with?
him

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
sometimes, usually its the radio though

63. Where was your profile picture taken at?
home

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
NOPE

65. Do you like your life right now?
yes,

66. How often do you talk on the phone?
ONCE A DAY
67. What is your favorite animal?
kittens

68. What was the most recent thing you bought?
FOOD

69. Do you have good vision?
yep!

70. Can you hula hoop?
YES

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
YES.

72. Do you have a job?
yes bank teller

73. Can you handle the truth?
YEAH, MUCH EASIER THAN A LIE AND FINDING OUT LATER!!

74. What are you wearing?
ripped jeans, tank top, baggy sweater

75. Have you ever crawled through a window?
YYEAH!!!

Why?

2009-04-10T18:47:00.002-06:00

Why do you look so haunted? Whats running through your mind. They say a picture paints a thousands words, but what are the words. What story exists in this picture. I know you prefer being behind the camera instead of on the other side. What secrets are you hiding from the lens? What are your eyes telling me? Is it resignation, is it acceptance of your fate? Is it reflections of everything you've done and been in your life.

Can you believe I can stare at this picture for hours and come up with a million and one possibilities and the only real thing I can settle on is how I feel about you.

Either way, I am glad I have this picture, as difficult as it was to obtain. Because life is unpredictable and we are not long for this world. One day it will end.

And on that day, my heart will break. Shatter. And while I'll be able to pick up the pieces and reconstruct it, it won't be the same. It won't be whole. You will be missing.

I am such a dork. And all the cliches fit.

My answer: because you are amazing. And wonderful, and amazing.

Movies

2009-04-08T12:47:00.003-06:00

I've been watching a lot of foreign films lately. I'm not sure what started it, could have been Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which I've yet to finish. Chinese cinema is quickly becoming a favorite of mine.

The King of Masks: the story of an older man who realizing his time is short and he has no one to pass his craft to, decides to purchase a young boy from a slave trader to be his heir. As is custom the knowledge can only be passed to a boy and as the story unfolds and the truth about his new heir comes out he has to decide between custom and family. I loved this movie, it was a very sweet story and the actors were wonderful. The music is great as well. Rated All in the countries it was released, it would probably get a G or PG rating in the US

The Road Home: Wow, this movie was amazing, beautifully shot, great score, wonderful actors. Its a timeless love story told in a very simple way. I watched thinking at first that it was kind of slow, but this director knows what he's doing, his art is to use cinematography to set the mood and tell a story that you become personally involved in. By the end of the movie I was in tears. Rated G (USA)

Raise the Red Lantern: I wasn't sure about this one, the description was that it was about a woman who becomes a 4th wife to a rich and older man. I didn't know what to expect, but it was a beautifully done story about the hopelessness of giving up your dreams to do your duty and losing freedoms in the process. There was no risque scenes which is what I worried about, it centered more on the relationships between the four wives and the pettiness and plots between them. Rated PG (USA)

As you can see Yimou Zhang is my favorite director, he has a way of using the camera to set the story, the mood, everything. Next on my list of movies to watch

House of Flying Daggers
Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles
Hero
Not One Less
Happy Times
The Story of Qiu Ju
Red Sorghum

I love how the director realizes he doesn't need scandalous shocking scenes to portray a powerful story. He doesn't distract the audience with overly sensuous scenes. There are many more that I am looking forward to watching.

Just

2009-04-02T19:01:00.002-06:00

Just

...brush the hair from my face

...cradle my chin

...rub my back

...kiss my hair

...kiss my nose

...pull me close

...rest your chin on my head

SIGH

I refuse

2009-03-28T01:42:00.000-06:00

I refuse to apologize for myself. For my thoughts, for my feelings. For all those emotions that go roaming through my psyche.

I really should be asleep right now. I'm tired, but energy is coursing through my veins. My eyes are rough, my body is lagging but I fear that if went to bed I'd just lay there and think and think and think. I accomplished what I set out for today though, so thats good. I'm missing someone and its tough. Is it him I'm missing, or the idea of him? I'm pretty sure its him. My thoughts are just constantly spinning in this manner. My brain hurts. I have a paper due on Sunday. Well, two papers, but I finished one today and turned it in. I'll finish the other one tomorrow. I'm half done with this semester almost. Cant wait, I'm not sure what my next class is going to be and I think I need to talk to my academic counselor to determine that. I've been watching the reruns of Friends and they're running the story line of Monica and Richard. Seems fitting, and it amuses me greatly.

From the archives

2009-02-28T00:35:00.001-07:00

For closure on my grief.

Friday, February 29, 2008

11:26 PM

Brandon died last night. I still can’t believe it. He was too young to die, my age, 26 or 27. I’m having a hard time with it. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t that close to him. We were more acquaintances than friends. In the past we were enemies, perhaps that’s the connection. Deep down, I felt a connection to him, I don’t know why. I always felt we could be really good friends, I just never acted on it.

He was in a car accident, he was driving drunk. I keep picture his beautiful face, mangled, and I lose it, I can’t do this.

Since I started working at the bank, he’s been coming in once a week to cash his checks. We’ve met on friendly terms in that setting, and casually flirted. I’ve started to look forward to when he’d come into the bank. I think we could have begun to be friends, and now he’s gone.

I keep hoping that a mistake was made, that it wasn’t Brandon, but someone else. That he will show up at the bank, healthy and whole. I know that’s just wishful thinking. But oh how I wish.

I'm surprised to learn that I don't think about him everyday. Days go by and he doesn't cross my mind. Life goes on, I go to work, I clean my house, I hang out with friends. And he doesn't cross my mind.

But little things will bring him to mind at random intervals. I start thinking about how many of us ended up back here and I think of him. I wonder how he is, and then remember, he's gone, and he isn't coming back.

Or, I'll see a semi, and think about the accident. And I realize that its been days since I thought about him at all, and wonder how that can be. How can I not remember him, and that he's gone.

I pass the bulletin board at the post office, and I remember how the only thing on it for a few days was his funeral announcement.And how reading that was what solidified it for me. Up until that point, I thought there was a mixup, and that it had to be another person. That brandon couldn't be gone. But reading it in black and white made it real, Brandon is dead.

I still tear up at the thought that I will never see him again. I know I have no claim on him, I wasn't even really his friend, but his death hit me hard.

I think a part of me could have loved him.

2009-02-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

can't. sleep.

I love

2009-02-07T13:18:00.002-07:00

...the rhythm of your heart

...the harmony of your snores

...the scent of your neck

...tangling my fingers in your hair

...the stubble on your chin

...the warmth of your body

...the strength of your arms

...the rise and fall of your chest while you sleep

...your hands at my waist

I hate

...the way you make me feel

...the effect you have on me

...the imminent heartbreak

...the power of your touch

...the distraction in your kisses

...the tug of my soul to yours

You are everything to me, and nothing. I see Forever and Never.

beautiful beautiful

2009-01-31T13:46:00.003-07:00

I was at my sister's house right around 4pm. I got a new camera and I've been messing around with it. This is one of the most beautiful areas I've seen, and I'm lucky enough to live here. Whats funny is that half the time I don't even notice it. That mountain range stands silently sentinel. Guarding this small town. It slows storms down. It provide hours of entertainment. It holds the water reservoirs, because despite the snow and moisture seen in this picture, we essentially live in a desert and have learned to store water for those arid summers.

Yes, another one, I'm bored

2009-01-22T21:42:00.002-07:00

Do you have feelings about the person you last texted?
As a friend, yes.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Bought it at Alco

Are you happy?
Usually

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
A clean house and well behaved kids.

Something you hate more than anything?

nails on a chalkboard

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Yes.

How many kids do you wanna have?
I have three. I used to want six.

Plans for tomorrow?
Work. Homework. Housework.

Do you miss anyone?
Yes.

Last time you laughed?
Earlier today.

What were you doing this morning at 7am?
Sleeping. Arguing with the alarm.

Do you have any piercings?
One in each ear.

Closest blue object to you?
Blanket.

Have you ever felt replaced?
No.

Where were you at 11pm last night?
Home.

How many hours did you sleep last night?
Laid down around 1am. Probably fell asleep at 2. Woke at 7ish.

Are you with the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008?
No.

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes, depends on the relationship.

What are you listening to?
Wall-E

Is anything bothering you right now?
Not really.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed?
The couch.

What are you craving at the moment?
Water.

What's the very first thing you did when you woke up?
Hit snooze.

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
No.

Do you ever think "what if" about anything?
Not exactly.

Who is the nicest person to you ever?
He is.

Does the last person who put their arms around you mean anything to you?
Yes.

What kind of bottoms are you wearing?
Not wearing any. (just got out of the bath)

What did you do last night?
Watched Lost.

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Toothbrush.

Whose the last person to tell you they love you?
My son.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
Depends who with.

Do you care about your number one?
On myspace, yes of course.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Yes, this lady that cashes her checks at the bank.

Would you rather have a huge cat or a tiny dog?
Cat.

Last time you painted your nails?
Had my nails done a few days ago.

Do you always have to have something to drink when you eat?
Most of the time.

What color is your camera?
Silver.

Would you go in public without underwear?
Not so much.

Would you date your number one?
No.

What's your biggest fear?
Being forgotten.

Where is your ex?
At his house.

What's your favorite food?
Mexican.

What is your favorite kind of weather?
Summertime!

Do you like hugs?
Of course.

Are you ready to get out of this town?
No, I love it here.

Are you wearing jewelry?
No.

Who was the last person's voice you heard?
Kids.

Can you run in heels?
Not really.

How's your heart lately?
A little tender.

Words

2009-01-22T21:10:00.002-07:00

Just words on a page

Nothing more

Black on white

Nothing less

Words mean so little

Words mean so much

They can tell you everything

and

They can tell you nothing

They can play tricks on your mind

They can be silent

They can be loud

History is written

Wars are fought

Words tell the story

Yet

All they are

Just words on a page

Goals

2009-01-15T09:59:00.004-07:00

I had this plan starting at the beginning of the year, I would write everyday based on the exercises in a devotional style writer's book. The exercises are good and I think will be beneficial, but I get caught up in thinking that I can't do it. That I have no talent to write. I suppose thats the point though, to develop the skills and practice the technique of writing.

Therefore, I'm setting a goal. I will do the first "assignment". An allegorical short story.

Taking suggestions.

Are you a nerd?

2009-01-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

for kicks and giggles

2009-01-13T18:51:00.002-07:00

I know these are sometimes ridiculous and pointless but they can be fun to fill out. I think they help you think about your life and future and past.

NOW

Is your hair up?:
No

Is your phone right beside you?:
Yes!

Do you have a bf/ gf?:
Both

Do you wish you were somewhere else?:
Nope! lol

Do you have plans for tonight?:
watch movies, do homework

Are you wearing makeup?:
Nope!

Are you wearing chapstick?:
no, but I need to put some on

Are you cold?:
a little bit

Are you tired?:
somewhat

Are you excited?:
I could be

Are you watching t.v.

No, watching the kids play the wii

Are you wearing pajamas?:
jeans and a tshirt

Who's the last person you IMed?:
l-tv chat

Who's the last person that called you?
Amanda

PAST

Anything you regret?
Sure

Ever lied?:
Yea

Ever stuck gum under a desk?:
No!

Ever spit at someone?
Not intentionally...

Ever kick something living?:
Yep.

Ever had your nails done?:

Yep. Yesterday

Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?:
yes

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:

LAST WEEK

Had any plans last week?:
work and gaming

Who did you see most last week?:
um, no comment.. but probably my kids

Was last week interesting?
"last week was normal

TODAY

Have you cussed?:
Not yet...

Have you yelled at someone?
yes, getting kids ready for school is a pain

Have you gotten mad at someone?
Yep.

Have you cried?
I don't cry,

Have you called more than 3 people?:
nope

Have you IMed more than 3 people?:
Yes

Have you eaten anything gross?
no

SPILL YOUR GUTS

First thing you did this morning?:
cuddled and kissed

Last thing you ate?:
cashews ( I really should be making dinner....)

What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?

hanging out with friends

What's annoying you right now?
kid jumping on the couch

What's the last movie you saw?
Airplane!

Do you believe in long distance relationships?:
They are real! I've seen them and been in them! I also believe in Unicorns, Pegasus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Elves, and Santa!

Where is the last place you went?:
Amanda's to pick up the kids

Who is the last person you called?:
Amanda

Been cheated on?:
Yep

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
Probably

Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity):
Creativity

Do you wish on stars?:
yup

Does it work?:
Sometimes

Do you untie your shoes every time you take them of:
no

When did you last cry?
a few days ago watching Leon

Do you like your handwriting?
Sometimes, depends on the pen

Are you a friendly person?
I think so

Are you keeping a secret from the world?
Of course

Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
No one's, slept on the couch

What color shirt are you wearing?
White

Do you have any pets?
Not anymore

What is the color of your bedsheets?
green

What were you doing at 9 last night?
waiting for a coke

Last person you talked to :
besides my kids, amanda and levi

When is the last time you saw your dad?
Last week

Look to your left.
What do you see?:
A bookcase

Ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yep

Ever cried on your friends shoulder?
yes

Song that makes you cry?
Cat's in the cradle

Are you a normally happy person?
Usually

Is your self-esteem low?
Nope

What color are your eyes?
Blue

Long or Short Hair :
Mine is long I guess

Current Music?
Classic rock

Enjoy ur day all!

can't

2009-01-05T23:14:00.002-07:00

Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't.

What cruel joke of fate is this. To fall for him.

There are so many reasons not to.

All the wrong reasons

are they outweighed

By all the right reasons

This was Christmas 2006

2008-12-22T20:33:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

My Christmas Miracle
Current mood: thankful

My Christmas Miracle

On the "first" day of Christmas my secret friends gave to me, a gift to start twelve days of surprises and gifts on my front porch. We waited in eager anticipation every night for the knock on our door, to see what gift would be left on the porch. There was candy and small trinkets for the children, little cars, and gloves and socks. A nativity greeted us one night and every day there was a special Christmas story to read together. We learned of the true meaning of the season, giving, caring and selfless service.

Saturday morning, my middle son woke up screaming in the middle of the night saying his ear hurt. I took him in to the doctor's office that day and we got antibiotics for his ear infection and the dr. also handed me two $40 gift cards to the grocery store. When I checked my mail that day, there was an anonymous letter that contained a $100 gift card for the grocery store.

A couple days before Christmas we got a visit from Santa Claus. I still am not sure who it was but someone dressed up as Santa brought over gifts and food. Each of the boys got 2 toys, and a box full of brand new clothes. Each of us got a blanket and I got some fuzzy pink slippers. He also brought a complete turkey dinner, a twenty-one pound turkey, a box of stuffing, a bag of potatoes, and a can of yams. He even brought a roasting pan to bake the turkey in. He left what looked like a cookie tin, but when I went to pick it up, it felt very, very, very heavy. I opened it and saw it full of change, with a few dollar bills floating around. As I dumped it out, something got caught in the canister, and I looked to see a wad of $50s, $20s, etc. I counted out $400.

On Christmas Eve, someone knocked on my door, no one was there, but on my porch was a jar full of money. There was $28 in that jar, all in loose change. Christmas morning, my oldest woke up at 3AM, and wanted to eat the candy that was in his stocking. I put a movie on for him to fall asleep to, and told him we would open all the goodies in the morning. I slept well, and dreamed that there were tons of presents on my front porch. Christmas morning arrived and the kids and I enjoyed opening all the gifts. We had plans to go to my mom's house that day, so as soon as we were done opening the gifts, I went out to start my car. On the front seat of my car was a bag full of presents for all of us. I couldn't believe it, we had already had so many blessings, and they just kept pouring in. Christmas day was a wonderfully happy time spent with my entire family. We had turkey, prime rib roast, stuffing, potatoes, etc, etc.

I decided to use a bit of my cash to get the oil changed in my car. I drive a 1984 Mercedes-Benz 300DT and I waited two and a half hours at Wal-Mart for them to tell me that they didn't carry the oil filter for my car. I was so frustrated and anxious; I had the 2 year old and the baby with me. But they told me that if I went and got the oil filter and came back, they would give me a free oil change, and they also handed me a $25 gift card. So I did get my oil changed and received even more blessings.

Malachi 3:10

10 ….^cprove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not ^dopen you the ^ewindows of heaven, and pour you out a ^fblessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

Christmas Week

2008-12-22T20:11:00.002-07:00

Merry Christmas. I'm not going to worry about being politically correct, this is my blog and I celebrate Christmas, so its Merry Christmas, and feel free to leave your own holiday greeting in the comments. I think all should be embraced and not shunned. Its a celebration of the gift of giving.

My kids are going to their dad's for Christmas this year. Its going to be weird not to have a Christmas with them but we opened some presents tonight. They got a lot of Crayola coloring things. A glow station, a color wonder sprayer, and a glow board. It looks like it will be a lot of fun, but most of the things need batteries.

I ordered their big present today. They'll get it when they get back. I got them bunk beds. Right now they are still sleeping in toddler beds, and my oldest is definitely growing out of his. So when they get back they'll have new beds. I think it will be really good for them.

Its snowing again today. On top of the 10 inches or so that we got last week. We're supposed to get another nine inches tonight. I really don't like the snow. I mean its pretty and all, but its cold, and it keeps me from doing things I need to do. I hate being trapped in my house. I don't always go anywhere anyway, but I hate feeling like I can't. I suppose its a contradiction of sorts. If I had my way, I'd stay home, locked up, reading all the time, but that doesn't pay the bills. I wish it did. But the fact that the snow is getting to where I can't go anywhere gets on my nerves. I also hate the cold and especially the fact that I've been home for 4 hours, have socks on, had soup for dinner, and have the heater on, my toes are still cold.

This is a good reminder of why a somewhat adequate food storage is a good idea. I'd panic about not being able to get to the store if I didn't have about a week's worth of food, possibly more stored up. It also makes me think of things I'd like to keep on hand for these situations. Lots of hot chocolate, soups, broths, flours and ingredients to make bread. Potatoes, things that are quick and filling.

But this time of year also reminds me of why I love living where I do. There are some very generous people in this community. This year I've gotten a $50 gift card to the grocery store, $100 and gifts for the boys, $20 and a pair of gloves and a box of oranges. These were all given anonymously, and I appreciate it every year. The first year was overwhelmingly, but as I've gotten on my feet its been just enough to help out. I'll post the blog entry I had written about that year after I post this one.

A feast

2008-12-20T02:29:00.000-07:00

A feast?

For two years I fought
I fought temptation
I fought desire
I fought the tug of my soul

For a year I ignored
I ignored feelings
Feelings that threatened
Threatened my peace

For a month I pretended
Pretended we could be friends
Friendship would be enough
But it couldn't be

For an hour I gave in
I gave into the temptation
I gave into the desire
I gave into my heart and soul

For a moment I had peace
Peace that was real
Real Peace of heart
Real Peace of soul

I ignored my mind
I tampered the fight
I forgot the reasons
It was you and me

And that was more than enough

Saturday-Fun day!

2008-12-06T18:36:00.002-07:00

I got up this morning still feeling the crud hanging out in my nasal passages. But I decided that shouldn't take me away from the things I needed to do today. I needed to go to Moab. Its the closest place that has the stores that carry food that my son can eat. And I needed to stock up. So, I started getting ready. As I was making sure the kids all had shoes on, the bishopric of our ward rang my doorbell. All three had Santa hats on and they wished us a Merry Christmas and dropped off a bag of cookies.

We drove into Moab, and as we passed the theater I quickly glanced over. Twilight is playing! I text my friend and let her know and ask if she wants to meet me there for the one o'clock show. Affirmative, sweet. And my cousin agreed to watch the kids.

I'm wandering around city market, trying to find the things I need to get. The one major thing, I still couldn't find. Its xanthan or guar gum. But I did find a bunch of wheat free, gluten free baking mixes. So I bought a few bags of each, bread mix, brownie mix, chocolate chip cookie mix, cornbread mix. It was very exciting! Now I can make treats for him. It was a successful trip all in all.

When we got home, I did a crisis clean on my apartment. Being sick for a few days makes a buildup of messy. Now its comfortably tidy. At least until the kids start playing lol.

Its been a long day, but productive and I feel comfortably exhausted and ready to cuddle down with a book. I'm almost finished with the last book in the Riddle-Master trilogy. And then I'm going to start The Aviator. A book I've read a few times and still love.

The winter ills

2008-12-05T22:57:00.003-07:00

Its that time of year again. The creeping crud is creeping through town. Making the rounds. I was out for the last couple days. I still had to work but it was miserable. A true cold is not fun. Every year this happens, it starts with one person, and usually gets spread around the school, the kids bring it home, pass it to the parents, who go to work and spread it there. It seems like its a neverending cycle of illness.

I fixed the keyboard on my laptop. My youngest child has been pulling the keys off the keyboard. These keys are not easy to put back on like desktop keyboards are. So I ordered a new keyboard for my laptop. It was about $40. It came with no instructions, no documentation, nothing to give me a clue as to what I was doing. So, I did what I always do when face with a problem I can't see a solution to.

Google.

And google saved me again! There was a wonderful blog post with step by step instructions including pictures, that someone in the same predicament had posted. He had figured out by trial and error how to do it and shared with the internets his solution. After studying his blog for a few minutes, I was confident enough to get started. I removed the power sources, the panels that were in the way. Removed 8 screws. These things are tiny! After wrestling for a few minutes I finally was able to pry the old keyboard off the laptop. Ok, now time to slip the new one in. Not as easy I thought it would be. But after tweaking and prodding, I got it in. Reverse the steps put it back together, power it on. Great. Now half the keys don't work. I wonder what I did wrong here. oh well, you don't really need the 5,6,7,t,y,u,g,h,b,n,m, keys right?

So, I have two options at this point. Call my tech repair man. Or, redo it. Since I can't exactly call the tech man, I decide to go with option B. I again, take everything apart, darn those tiny screws!! After a cursory glance over, I can't see that anything is misconnected, so I just push a little on the keyboard cable, tweak the connection a bit. Then with everything still apart, supplied power, and tested the keyboard. (this is not recommended, try not to have power going to an electronic device that has its innards exposed) Voila! Its working perfectly. I still have no idea what it was that was wrong or how exactly I fixed it. But I don't mind, as I now have a wonderfully working keyboard. Which makes it so much easier to type.

I edited the last poem I posted. Somewhat due to advice received from a friend. And I felt that another stanza might be necessary. I like how it shows the dwindle in time, 2 years, 1 year, 1 month, and now I added 1 moment. If it works, it works. This is the first poem that touches a little on that "from the heart" writing. I felt its power when I wrote it. I have all these words running through my mind and I know I can shape them into something beautiful or ghastly.

That scares me.

Things Change

2008-12-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm living in the town I grew up in for the most part. Its a quiet, small town. Population 1800. I've felt comfortable in this safe town. But on Halloween I realized that it isn't as safe as it used to be. I had walked across the park to Woody's get something to drink. I was with a couple friends and on the walk back, a bunch of kids came running out of the trees towards us. Once they realized that there was a guy in our group they backed off. But since then I've been weary of walking across the park at night. In high school I wouldn't have thought twice. In fact many times, around midnight, I'd walk up to Woody's to get a soda and a snack. This saddens me. I know things could be worse but not feeling safe to walk the block to the convenience store in this town is not right.

It snowed tonight. Just an inch enough to cover everything in white. I'm not fond of snow or cold. But its beautiful. As long as I can stay in, where its warm and cuddle up with a mug of hot cocoa and a good book. I love Christmas though. I've started putting up decorations. I don't have a tree yet, a friend of mine is bringing me one sometime. I put some lights up though, and decorated the shelves with little figurines and a few nativities. Its starting to look very festive. I started watching Christmas movies. I watched Bridget Jones's Diary last night. Watched some of The Polar Express earlier and now I'm watching Elf. I'll probably put While you Were Sleeping in after Elf is over. And I'll have to watch Serendipity sometime as well.

Reading

2008-12-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

I love to read. Give me a book and I'll devour it. I'd rather read a book than watch a movie. Its been awhile since I've actually been able to read, to lose myself in a story so much that I have to re-orient myself to the real world when I finish.

I've read quite a few books in the last couple months. All from very different genres. So if you're looking for a an idea of what to read, I'll describe a few...

The Dark Tower series by Stephen King~ not his usual creepy stuff. Kind of a cross between Lord of the Rings and a western. The first book, The Gunslinger, is very interesting and gripping. As the series progresses though, some of the creepy stuff creeps in (lol) I still need to read the last book, I've been putting it off because I really don't want the story to end.

The Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton~ This is real vampire fiction. Full of gore, violence, crime, werewolves, vampires, voodoo. Its a fun read though. There are 16 books in the series. So far. Another one is due out next year. This is a series for adult readers.

The Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer~ Not really a vampire series. Its a love story. Forbidden, because Edward is a vampire. Most girls will identify with Bella. She's awkward, clumsy, trips on flat surfaces, her skin is too pale, she's average. Edward is a part of a family of vampires that has sworn off killing humans, instead opting for animals. Not quite fulfilling. But they'd rather not be considered monsters. Its an entertaining read. This is a series for pre-teens to young adult readers but I know many older people have enjoyed it.

The Riddle-Master of Hed by Patricia A. McKellip~ This is a fantasy/scifi series. Very much like The Lord of the Rings, but a bit lighter read. I'm just started the third book. Its great, very well written. I'm enjoying it. Each book has taken me just a few hours to read. Preteen. Although some of the made up languages can be hard to follow.

The Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern abridged by William Goldman~ If you loved the movie, you'll love the book. One of my favorites. Anyone would enjoy this I think.

Beauty by Robin Mckinley~ I love this book. Its a retelling of the story of Beauty and the Beast. I've read this book at least ten times a year since I was 12. I have the first couple pages memorized. I love the imagery. Its an old friend. I think anyone would enjoy this as well.

I think thats all I read in the last few months.

So cryptic

2008-11-29T02:32:00.000-07:00

And, I'm still so cryptic in my poems, which barely graze the surface of the feelings behind them. I've been talented with words, able to shield and veil the truths in me. Leading those who get close away with a cryptic word, leading in circles until they give up. Veiling in half truths, or truths that aren't really mine. Playing word games, although, sometimes they're not games, they're just play, to get away from the more serious things.

Its 2:30 in the morning, and i couldn't sleep, because of the first line in the previous poem, and the truths that are in that poem, trying to figure out how to word it. And I did it again, I worded it in a way that leaves the reader guessing, even if they think they know whats behind it. I wonder if they really do. Because I left out a few things, or I used another word that could mean something else. Sometimes, those words just work with the rhythm of the words. Even if its not quite what I meant.

I have all these words wandering through my mind. Some stick out, and stick around for days, until I write them down. Some disappear, before I can even get a handle on them. Which is why I've taken to keeping the laptop on my nightstand. So that on nights like tonight, I can write it out. And then perhaps I can sleep.

My perfect Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not one for a lot of pomp on holidays. Ideally, I'd cook, and family and friends would stop by for a bite and some conversation before moving on to their own homes.

And this year was perfect. Just me and my kids. I cooked a turkey breast roast and mashed potatoes. We had olives and sparkling cider. I put the roast in my lovely roaster pan, temp at 350 and rubbed olive oil and some seasoning on it. I then took a 3 hour nap and woke to the mouthwatering aroma of turkey. For being a breast roast, it was amazingly tender and moist. While the turkey finished roasting I whipped up some mashed potatoes, due to allergies in the household I couldn't use butter and milk in them. Instead I used half a can of chicken broth, and some Canola Harvest margarine. It turned out delicious!

We spent a relaxed day at home, had a few friends stop by that night to say hi, watched a few Christmas movies. It was a great day.

Doodles

2008-11-18T21:00:00.001-07:00

Flights of Fancy
Flying High
Soaring on an angel's wing
Into a world of magic
Catching a Star
Touching the Shimmery light
Flying to the highest heights
Or the Furthest reaches of darkness

Survive
How can we survive
When the only danger
Is our Lives
And the only escape
Is Death

Green man
Step softly, my sweet
You ne'er may know when
A green man
You may meet

Moonlight
Nothing was e'er as bright
As a soft, sweet summer's night
With elfin hoods
In fairy broods
Singing laughter on a breeze
Sifting through the moonlit trees

with heart

2008-11-14T19:38:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to write from the heart. Its more difficult than I imagined. I realized something as I was reading through old poetry. They were smoke screens, an attempt to distract people from what was really happening in my head. And my heart. So I've been attempting to bring more of me into my work.

For one thing, I don't think I really know who I am, or what I am. I continually have things running through my head. I'm discovering new things about myself too. Like I'm strong, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I'm smart, I like to think, to roll new ideas through my mind and look at them from every angle possible.

I love words. I love to write, and I think this blag will help me find who I am through writing. So, I guess that's what this blag will be, a journey of self discovery through writing and poetry. If you ask me, I'm not a poetry writer, but sometimes my words form themselves into poem patterns. The words just lilt along. One thing I've had a problem with is ending the poems, they seem to drift off. The last few lines seem to escape me. I wrote something yesterday, I don't think its finished, but I can't for the life of me write the finishing lines.

Maybe thats the point though, there will always be something left, nothing will be finished. Which is why we make progress, always reaching for that infinite goal. Succeeding, failing, moving forwards, stepping backwards. But always growing, changing, moving.

Voyeurism

2008-11-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

I watch people

Sitting Quietly in the Shadows

I see how they act

When no one sees

Who they really are

I hear what they say

the minuscule inflections

The words they use

The gestures they make

The faces they pull

I see behind the masks

The insincere eyes

the Fake smiles

the unshed tears

The truth behind the lies

The lies beyond the truth

this is why I have no friends

I found myself in a box today

2008-11-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

With not much to say
But so much to tell

Hints of who I used to be
Hints of who I'm to become

Words fading with time
Lines fading into lines

Turning pages
Forwards and Backwards

Discovering a talent
Long hidden

A joy, a hobbie, an escape
A definition of me

Out of My Mind

2008-11-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

I drift
I drift above the clouds
I fly among the stars
My body is still as
My fantasies take control
I rise above the contentions
Above the worries
All the people that
Surround me
Talking, always talking
They don't see what I see
Or experience the wonders
That I remember
They don't comprehend
All they can do is talk
I hover above them
For a moment
Then, out of my control
Involuntarily, I sink
I sink, back to the realities
The horrors of the world
But deep down I know
That I can escape
Floating again into my fantasies
Out of my mind

Growing up

2008-11-08T16:12:00.001-07:00

My oldest child just came in here and said "Look mom!" He smiled real big and there was gap in his mouth, he held out the small white tooth that had previously resided there. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't even noticed any of his teeth being loose. I knew this day was coming but that didn't stop me from becoming slightly misty eyed.

I sometimes forget how old he is getting. My first child, growing up so quickly. He's in kindergarten now and so smart. This has reminded me though, that his firsts are becoming rare and few between. As a parent you go through all the mile markers of firsts, first tooth, first solid food, first step, first word, and on up to first day of school, and now this, first lost tooth. Somehow that makes him that much closer to growing up. I just keep thinking, now his adult teeth will be coming in.

Its a bittersweet moment for a parent. I'm so happy that he's growing up, yet I also wish he wouldn't do it so fast.

There will be more firsts. It just seems that the losing of a teeth is the beginning of a new era of firsts, the grown up one. Now we'll have first crushes, first books read, first driving experience, first dates, first kisses.

Bradley Jay Gerrard

2008-10-23T08:29:00.000-06:00

I first met Brad when he got off his mission to Mongolia. He was such a fun loving guy. We didn't talk much until he met Susie, and he'd call me for advice. I thought it was so sweet how much he cared about her. I remember talking to him on the phone about her, and about cats.

When Brad and Susie got married, it was so perfect. They were so happy. Whenever we'd bring our kids to visit them, they always had so much fun. My kids thought of him as "fun uncle Brad". We were so excited when they moved to be closer to us. We'd take turns having Sunday dinner at each others houses. It was a fun tradition and when they moved to be even closer, it was fun spending time with them every day.

I remember the kids climbing on his shoulder as he ran through the house. Everyone laughing. I remember how willing Brad and Susie were to help anyone in need. They saw something that needed to be done and they did it. When I was pregnant with my third child, they were always helping me out in some small way. Watching my other kids so I could rest, helping with housework when I got overwhelmed, or just hanging out with me.

They were kind neighbors, a young girl moved in next door to them and they helped her move in. When they realized that she was lacking some household items like dishes and utensils they went through their things and asked if I had any extra, so that she would have something. Brad had a heart of gold and would give the shirt off his back to help someone in need.

When I heard of his death I was heartbroken. He's a good man that will be missed. He loved his job at the prison, he was the kind of guard that showed respect to everyone, and in turn was respected by everyone.

I was so happy for them when they were finally able to adopt a child. I knew they would be wonderful parents and it was hard watching them go through the heartache of not being able to conceive. He was wonderful with my children and I knew when given the opportunity he would be an amazing father. My heartaches for his young son, and the unborn child he's left behind. I hope with all my heart that those children will know what an amazing man their father was.

Need something to blog about?

2008-10-22T19:12:00.000-06:00

Thanks rob! Something to keep me off the morbid.

Answer the following questions using one word:

Where is your cell phone? coffeetable
Where is your significant other? not sure
Your hair color? dishwater blonde
Your mother? twitterpated
Your father? interesting
Your favorite thing? rain
Your dream last night? nothing
Your dream/goal? happiness
The room you’re in? living
Your hobby? reading
Your fear? settling
Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
Where were you last night? home
What you’re not? whole
One of your wish-list items? comfort
Where you grew up? ut
The last thing you did? dinner
What are you wearing? jeans
Your TV? old
Your pet? someday
Your computer? HP
Your mood? hungry
Missing someone? yes
Your car? mercedes
Something you’re not wearing? bra
Favorite store? book
Your summer? normal
Love someone? maybe
Your favorite color? blue
When is the last time you laughed? afternoon
Last time you cried? tuesday

R.I.P. Brad

choices

2008-10-21T16:42:00.000-06:00

Its either write or cry. I'm choosing to write. Whether I can get through this though is another story. I'm just sick over the senselessness of this weekend's atrocity. I've been reading the news articles online, probably making myself crazy. But reading has always been my way of dealing with things.

I'm making phone calls right now. Other people's pain has always effected me more than my own. Compassion I suppose its called. I just talked to my ex father in law. A strong, quiet man. He served in Vietnam. He was in tears talking to me and I could only just cry a long with him. I had never seen nor heard him cry before. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I can't imagine the pain of losing a brother, a spouse, a parent. But he was essentially a brother to me, and the pain of losing that connection is hard to bare.

I'm waiting for my ex sister in law to call back. I know she's having a really hard time. I can't imagine being her age and widowed. I don't know what to say to her. But I want her to know that I'm thinking of her and loving her through this difficult time.

He was such a great person. Friendly, funny, fun loving. He loved his family. I know he loved being a father. They had tried so hard for years to get pregnant and now she is and he's gone. He was a good uncle to my kids, they loved their Uncle Brad.

I just talked to her. She's doing pretty good, considering. Making jokes, and remembering him fondly. His death doesn't make sense and everyone is trying to make sense of it. She's happy to have a piece of him in her unborn child, and she plans on naming the baby after him. I'm both happy and sad for her. Happy that she's finally going to have a baby, and sad that she'll have to raise it without its father.

It all seems so surreal, and I wish I could feel, a little bit more than I have before.

I'm exhausted from all the emotions running through my soul. My eyes ache from crying. My heart aches for his family.

Human life is fleeting and frail. It doesn't take much to end it. It also doesn't take much to live and enjoy what you have. Enjoy each breath, each smell, each touch, each glance, each lingering look. Each late night conversation, each comfortable silence.

The frailty of life

2008-10-20T22:04:00.000-06:00

I recently posted about loving the smell of death. I was talking about smelling dead leaves as they crunched under my feet. My friend and fellow blogger, Crandall, had recently posted about death in a post.

I didn't think I'd have to post about another death. Even less a murder. This last weekend was my ex's weekend with the kids. Since it was also near their birthdays they were going to stay on an extended weekend, and come home on Monday. Sunday morning I awoke to a text saying that my ex's brother had been shot and killed. The kids were dropped off Sunday afternoon.

I hadn't seen him in over two years. Its quite strange to think he's gone. He left behind a wife and child. He was a good man, active in his church, a hard worker. He was a Corrections Officer. He loved his job. He loved his family, and he loved his life.

I know he's in a better place, and that life goes on. And when the anniversary of his death comes around, we'll celebrate his life.

Death touches all of us eventually. None of us can escape it. "Life is the greatest teacher, unfortunately the final is a killer" I can't remember who said that but its true.

Just remember to live!

Questions

2008-10-19T19:10:00.000-06:00

"Why are you still seeing him?"

Gee, I don't know. I hate when people ask questions like that. I feel put on the spot. Like I need to explain myself.

There are so many reasons. I don't feel like I can sum it up with one explanation. Talking til 3 in the morning. Only stopping because one of us has fallen asleep. Not because we've run out of stuff to talk about. Learning, laughing, being silent. Reading in silence, discussing in length, just enjoying each others company.

I don't have to be his version of me. I can just be me. My version of me. With all my ups and downs and faults and when I'm falling apart, he's just there to wrap me in his arms, pulling me close to his chest. All while he's talking me through it, getting me to hold on a little bit tighter to my sanity.

Aggravating.

So, I still see him from time to time.

Its easy.

Now, where do I find him?

Lists

2008-10-18T11:38:00.000-06:00

Lists

My friend and I started making these lists of what we want in a guy. It provides hours of entertainment when work is slow. Some lists are serious, and some are just out there goofy. Here's the one I made today:

Stong
Smart
LOVES books
slightly geeky
knows how to dance
has good taste in music
and I know its shallow, but I like taller men, around 6' is good
likes motorcycles
good with cars
can hold an interesting conversation
and selfless

Now, my friend got a hold of it and added these things, these are just slightly ridiculous, I'm not that shallow LOL.

sexy
obedient
dresses casually
singer
6% body fat
great public speaker
at least a Ph,D or Masters

Whats more meaningful?

2008-10-17T09:55:00.000-06:00

Usually when a person describes their most memorable relationship, they say the person taught them how to love. I think most humans have the ability to love ingrained in their DNA, we are compassionate people, we notice when our friends need something, we listen, we care. That's easy enough.

But what about a person who teaches someone how to BE loved. How to accept that they are worthy of the same care they so easily bestow on another person. I think that lesson is more important than the other.

How many of us actually learn it though? And do we realize what we're missing even? I'm not sure.

This was inspired in part by a conversation I was having with a friend the other night. Also in part by a movie I had watched recently. I found the line "you taught me how to love" kind of cheesy. Because I think that's a fairly easy lesson to learn.

Death

2008-10-17T00:31:00.000-06:00

I love the smell of death. The sweet stench of dying that drifts through the fall air. The crunch it makes as I traipse through it. The bite of cold that I can taste. The colors that drift and pile everywhere. Yet, I hate it, it means winter is just around the corner. When nothing is happening, nothing is dying, nothing is living, but the world is frozen in a state of nothingness.

Winter is my least favorite season. Especially if I have to be out in it. I'm not a big fan of the cold. If I can be inside, wrapped up, with a cup of hot chocolate, a toasty fire, then I don't mind it so much. Its the freezing ears, frozen noses, icicle fingers, that get to me.

I tend to sink further and wallow more when the weather is dreary. Although I love rain. We had a good hard storm a few weekends in a row. I was in heaven. Every once in awhile, I'd step outside and just let the rain wash over me. Sinking into the smell. Watching as the storm moved in and out over us. It was beautiful. Watching the mountain disappear and reappear, covered in white.

I really do love living here. For the moment its where I need and want to be. Even if the weather is flighty.

Scary isn't it?

2008-10-17T00:14:00.000-06:00

Caring.

Yeah, I guess it is. Frightening in fact. Although not as frightening as having someone care about you. The responsibility goes up, you now have to care for yourself as well. Because if someone else thinks you are worthy of care, you damn better too.

I'm sure there are many out there who care, just as I care about many. But they do it subtly and not so obviously. So I go through life blissfully unaware. Then someone breezes through my life, and in a very obvious way points out that I'm worthy of the care of another human. So, now what? I can feel my heart opening, and its painful.

What gets me is the sincerity in those three little words... 'Are you ok?' Something a good many people have asked, yet not a lot have meant. More a passing courtesy, like saying 'hi' when greeting someone, commenting on the weather, things of that nature. But to have someone actually ask 'Are you ok?' with genuine concern. I think that phrase will forever mean more to me than what it once did.