So last night we were hanging out after the kid's spring performance at the school. Me, my husband, his two brothers, and their mom. My 5 year old was still up and wandering around. My husband had just gotten out of the shower and was talking to his brothers, in his boxer shorts. The youngest is looking at him with a raised eyebrow, which starts this conversation:

"grandma used to change my diapers" and D looks at him wide eyed,

so I say, "yeah she changed all of these guys diapers once"

Look of shock on the little guys face.

His uncle says, "someday you're gonna grow up and change little boy diapers or little girl diapers"

D then turns to me and says "Mom, I want a gas mask for Christmas"

One of those days...

Today was going to be one of those days. I knew it when we got up this morning. Some days are pretty normal and some days are not. Today was not, or was, depending on how you define normal. Today also confirmed some suspicions I've had about my youngest child. It started out with me asking him to get ready for the day. I told him he needed to get his pants on. He searched in his room and couldn't find any, but I was able to dig out a pair in the basket of clothes that still needs to be folded. I handed them to him, and he stuck out his leg and draped them across it. Technically they were "on" him, and these are the antics that are starting to convince me that I have one of those "Spirited", "difficult", highly intelligent children. I asked him if today was going to be a good day or a bad day and he said "good!", giggled, and proceeded to get dressed. A minor meltdown occurred when he couldn't get the pants snapped, but that was soon taken care of.

Our day proceeded with me going to work, and the kids getting to go to Grandma's house after school, which is a highlight of their week. After work, as we were getting dinner ready, Grandma brought the boys over with a warning that they had each had a pudding cup. Eh, no big deal I thought, they usually handle pudding pretty well. As the evening progressed though, I became more and more convinced that my youngest had something a bit stronger than sugar. His activity level reminded me of a busy, busy little bee. This energy is different from his older brother, who will absentmindedly spin five or six times before moving onto something else. The youngest however was flitting from this room to that, from this activity to that, trying to hold still on a chair and shaking his head from side to side with such speed. One of the privileges the children have is that on the weekend as long as chores are done and the school week has gone well, they get to play computer games. He patiently waited his turn, but no sooner had he logged in and began his game, than he was distracted by a lego that my husband was holding.

He launched himself at and onto people, tried to start a fist fight with his stepfather and his uncle, and his brothers. In an effort to distract and perhaps calm, I asked if he wanted to do an activity out of his preschool/K phonics book. That got his attention and he chose the page he wanted to do, and then calmly finished it, after receiving instructions from and suggestions that he get the crayon box. After he was finished and we were winding down for the night, we asked him to put the crayon box away. He tripped while carrying it and crayons went flying everywhere. This started to spark a meltdown on his part about having to pick them all up. However, with some encouragement and the reminder that he is capable of this, he was able to get them picked up. It was one of those days.

I've long given up on having him on any sort of schedule, as far as sleeping, eating, etc. His energy levels sometimes seem astronomical. Once in awhile, I'll send him to bed, and then hours later, after I've gotten up in the middle of the night for any number of reasons, I'll find him wide awake sitting in his room, playing intently with his Legos. He can play for hours with those Legos, he has always been good at self entertainment.

He is a highly active, highly perceptive, highly sensitive child. I went to observe his classroom the other day, and what I noticed about him, is that he notices everything. Every movement is a distraction, he is so wrapped up in what is going on around him, that he doesn't seem to have time to do what is required of him.

He has always been an extremely independent child and I knew he would be a challenge when, at the age of one, having learned to walk, I turned my back on him to complete a chore, and he was across the street, playing in the neighbors garden. He will make his mind up about something, and that's it. He is an absolute delight on those good days, when the little things don't get to him. He can tell you all sorts of stories. He's funny and charming. He can talk your ear off if you let him. On the other days however, watch out, any little thing will spark a melt down. He also loves to push people's buttons, and once he figures out how to get someone riled up, he'll do it, just for kicks.

A new year, a new outrage

We are two weeks into the new year, the year the Mayan calendar ends, the year elections are held, and importantly the year that an extremely dangerous piece of legislation is looking like it will pass. Its hard to put into words how outraged I am over this. I start thinking about what this will mean for websites that I frequent, and I get angry. If you haven't heard of this legislation here is a link to it:  http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c112:H.R.3261:  

What I am given to understand from reading this bill is that, say you, my reader, linked something in a comment on my blog, say the link was to something that was copyrighted, or, perhaps someone just *thinks* its copyrighted. Well, guess what, MY site would go down for investigation. Because someone else linked to it in a comment. Or, say I post a picture of my kids, and one of them is wearing a shirt with a copyrighted logo on it, that would be a felony. Now, go look at your photos that you have posted to Facebook or on your blog. Look closely at those pictures. Is someone wearing something with a corporate logo on it? Felony. Is there anything in the background that is under copyright? Felony. Do you have embedded home video on your blog? Is there music playing in the background, say from the TV, is it a song that was written by an artist that is still alive or has died less than seventy years ago? Felony. 

Are you scared yet?

This is a doorway to information censorship and any sort of censorship is an affront to one of the great tenets of this country, The freedom of speech. I realize that right now the bill is only targeting offshore sites, but considering the WWW is a global entity, how long before it becomes U.S. sites that are targeted? And how many sites do you visit regularly that are located on different parts of the globe? Do you read blogs from Europe, Asia, Australia? If a corporation decided that that blog *may* have copyrighted content, and it got taken down, would you be outraged? Then let's stop this before it starts, call your congressman, your senators, sign a petition.

Freedom isn't free, but information should be. 

Sometimes....

Sometimes I am invisible

Sometimes I am not good enough

Sometimes I can't hold your attention

Sometimes I crave your touch

Sometime I feel like I don't deserve this

Sometimes I take what I can get

Sometimes I'm not loud enough

Sometimes I think I can scream

Sometimes I just bite my tongue

Sometimes it's just not important

Sometimes I just don't remember

Sometimes I just can't forget

Sometimes I'm scared

Sometimes I'm brave

Sometimes it doesn't matter

Sometimes it does

A week into it

We are a week in to the school year and things are going great! The kids are loving school, learning from their teachers, playing and making new friends. James is especially loving being able to be a big boy and go to school. Donovan is feeling slightly left out since his brothers get to go and he doesn't. I've been trying to include him in the things that I'm doing and he gets to go on ride alongs to work on computers when I'm at work. Today he helped me clean the kitchen by taking boxes out to the big trashcan outside. He will be starting the online preschool soon, I got a call saying he was accepted into the program so thats exciting. I think he'll love it.

I finished reading a online book, published independently. Found out it was available to order directly from the printing press. It was a good enough story that I shelled out the $20 for it. Its called Mortal Ghost. It was an amazing story, I haven't gotten that drawn into a story like that in awhile. The author is very talented and has another story that she has published on her website that I have yet to begin. I'm looking forward to curling up with my laptop and reading another good story by her.

Its amazing

It's amazing how a simple phrase can light up the world. In all its darkness, the capacity of human kindness can give hope that reaches the darkest corners. I feel my self, at times, blushing like a young girl inexperienced with the cynical world that we live in. Trying so hard to be strong enough for everyone. Holding on just a little longer for the sweetest thing to ever appear. My heart races, my breath catches, and I try to hold onto that moment for a little bit longer.

Once... and I'm starting to remember

There was a time not too long ago that I was actually pretty organized, although it didn't feel like it at the time. I had habits and routines and things that I did that made life pretty simple. A big thing I did was menu planning. I'd sit with my calendar, a pen and the week's grocery ad. I'd also have in the back of my mind a list of all the food I had in the house that needed used. And I would plot out what would be for dinner on which night. I would do this after filling in all activities into the calendar so I'd know on which days we needed a simple meal, and which days we could do a fancier meal. It all depended on timing. In this world of digital, I've started to go back to that, and again, I feel rusty, like I remember how to do this, but its been so long I don't know if I still can. But I know I can, just a little bit at a time. I'm using my google calender, that syncs with my Android. That way, I can see it no matter where I am. Just pull out the phone and there it is.


For awhile, I also made my bed as soon as I got up, or sometimes during the day. I'd also do a load of laundry every day, and while I was sorting the clothes, I would make another pile of clothes that were just too stained or torn to be worth washing. As soon as I had started a load of laundry, I would bag up the pile of clothes and put it by the door to take with me to the local thrift store. This system kept my house fairly livable.

But you know, I still hate cleaning!

Its ALIVE!!!

So, I've been dabbling with the technical arts under the wonderful apprenticeship of the greatest guy in the world. We've had some fun figuring out how to make things work and how to fix whats wrong with others. Sometimes if you have something that seems dead, its worth it to see if there are any solutions to the death. Resurrecting electronics has become quite fun. The other night we had a printer that just was not going to work, when the power button was pushed it would bring up one lonely yellow light instead of the 2-3 green ones that meant it was ready for printing. This required an unconventional method of restoring life to the poor printer. The board in the printer had a cold solder break. Solution: Bake board at 400 degrees for 5 mins, let cool, replace, test: ITS ALIVE!


Another printer that seemed to be at death's door was giving an ink system failure error. Hmm, ok.... that means its done for right? Well, lets see what google says... GOOGLE is the best! Hmm, this seems to be a common error on this printer, so there should be a solution, ok, not as unconventional as baking, but still an interesting solution, unplug the printer, press two buttons while simultaneously plugging the printer back in. This resets the printer and its good to go.

So, my advice to you, if you have a piece of electronics that seems like its dead and in no way going to be saved ever, google it, type in the search bar the model you have and the problem you are having, its a quick way to find out if there is a solution or if you are out of luck.

Good luck with all endeavors!

Hmm.... something is needed... MORE PHOTOS

I think I should be adding more photos to this blog.

Well, that was fun... I got started on this post and then was taken with the evil flu. I spent the last couple of days a hostage of my bathroom. I haven't been that sick in a long time.



So anyway the reason for more photos is because I found a photobook program that will take your blog and make a book of it. Its www.blurb.com I thought it was a neat idea.

Its been awhile, and its sure good to see you

Its been awhile since I've written, and my writing gears feel like they've rusted. I've had so many thoughts and experiences and things that I should have been writing about over the last year. It snowed so much this last winter that I thought we'd never see summer, but one morning, the snow was gone and the grass was green and the birds were chirping and spring had left. Seems spring happened while we were waiting for the snow to melt.

I've moved into a house, that I'm trying to buy. I've been renting it for almost a year now. There are things it needs, cosmetic touches and some major overhauls and remodeling.

I started a small garden. Right now its mostly radishes, winter squash, and cucumbers. The cucumbers were A's idea, he loves them. I'm hoping that the plants produce and we have the joy of eating some fresh homegrown vegetables this year.  The kids are so curious about how things are growing that I have to watch and make sure they don't pull the plants up to check the roots!

My kids have shot up like weeds, A starts 2nd grade and J starts K. and D, well, D, will be enrolling in http://www.utahupstart.org/index.html, an online based preschool program.  The other night my oldest stood next to me and I had to look twice, because he's gotten so tall. His head is now at just below my shoulder. J is also getting taller and he's extremely strong. D has finally started growing out of some of his allergies although some foods still cause him to break out and his skin to be extremely weak. I've found some creams and ointments that work extremely well. Dermarest and Dermazinc both work really well at clearing up the rash and cooling and relieving the itchies. 

For the most part life is pretty good. I still work at the bank, I have enough money to live on and to splurge once in a great while. I splurged today on Green Day rock band. I've been listening to their music for the past couple days and remembered how much I really enjoy their music.

I finally bought some books from the Eat This, Not That series. They are very interesting. I bought the restaurant survival guide, the 2010 book, and the kids book. I'm going to buy the supermarket survival guide next. My son and I sat and looked through the kids book and he seemed to enjoy knowing what healthy choices he could make when eating out or when faced with candies or treats.

I also recently watched the documentary Super size Me. The guy really put his body through the ringer. He started out as fairly healthy adult male, and decided he was going to eat nothing but McDonald's food for 30 days. His doctors got to a point they were all asking him to quit the binge because of the side effects it was having on his overall health. I haven't stepped foot in a McDonald's in over 5 years. I haven't officially eaten there in 10. This just made me glad that I don't eat there anymore and to rethink eating at any fast food restaurant. After doing some research though, Wendy's chili is a fairly healthy fast food option. Its low in calories and high in protein and its extremely tasty and filling.

Well, enough for now, can't overwork those writing gears too much, gotta ease back into this, I'll be back tomorrow with some pics of the last year's adventures. Much love to all my faithful readers.

The act of 'not-being'

Its exhausting. Not being something. I'm so tired of it, not being a good mother, not being a good student, not being ... something. Not being heard. Not being good at anything I do. Just.. in a perpetual state of not being. And the not being is more exhausting than the alternative, because when you are yourself, its easy, and renewing.

I'm just so exhausted by this state of not being. I can feel the numbness spreading.

The pain of life

Pretend that it doesn't matter how much I care. Pretend that it can all be brushed aside. Is it heartlessness? I don't know. All I know is that I do care. That doesn't change because its belittled or shrugged aside. I care. The conclusion is that it doesn't matter whether its reciprocated or not. It doesn't change that one little fact. In this moment, that is the truth. What is past has no bearing on it, and what is future cannot change it. You say run, like its the easiest thing to do. How can I run when my feet are made of lead. Planted firmly, steadfastly in this place. Wherever it is. Whatever it is. Exploring this new and different situation. Part of me feels it should be frightening, uncertainty awaits. I trust that I will be kept safe though, or that the pain on this journey is just a part of the experience. Its an experience I'm willing to endure for the joy it brings as well as the pain that must surely occur. Loss is inevitable. I am aware of that. I accept it.

Watching the sun go down on another summer. School starts tomorrow. There were so many things I had planned for the summer and I didn't get around to all of them. But there are a few warm months left so I'll be able to take the kids to the parks in our area. I want to take them to Natural Bridges, Arches, Canyonlands, exploring on the mountain. Fishing perhaps. We've been able to get a lot of camping done thanks to a very good friend of mine. The kids love camping and every day ask if they can go again. They have such a fun time running around and playing.

I bought a truck so that we would have an easier time getting around the mountain and all the other places I want to visit. I love it! That truck is so great. Its a 1985 Ford F-250. Manual transmission with 4WD. Extended cab so I can haul the kids around.

FINE

I'm fine. FINE. F.I.N.E.

Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.


Freaked out because this emotion is new and unusual and I don't know how to handle it.

Insecure because I think I may be the only one that feels this way.

Neurotic because my mind is racing.

Emotional because its scary as hell.

Falling. Inescapable. Necessary. Eternal.

I am fine. Fine. FINE. F.I.N.E.

Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I had taken this years ago. I couldn't remember what the result was exactly but thought it was either INFJ or INFP. Reading through both of the descriptions I decided on INFJ. But thought perhaps that the years may have altered the result. So I took the test again. The results were INFJ. Again. The description seems accurate. http://typelogic.com/infj.html

If anyone wants to take the quiz, I took it at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

the rumor mill

This has been rolling around in my brain for the last little while. Living in a small town people tend to assume things and watch you and spread rumors that they think are facts. Some are harmless, and extremely entertaining when they get back to you. Others are quite damaging and tragic. One false word can ruin someone's life, livelihood and peace.

I haven't seen this movie yet but I thought this was a powerful story and illustration of the damage of gossip. This is from Doubt with Meryl Streep. I believe its the Priest speaking.

A woman was gossiping with her friend about a man whom they hardly knew - I know none of you have ever done this. That night, she had a dream: a great hand appeared over her and pointed down on her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O' Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. 'Is gossiping a sin?' she asked the old man. 'Was that God All Mighty's hand pointing down at me? Should I ask for your absolution? Father, have I done something wrong?' 'Yes,' Father O' Rourke answered her. 'Yes, you ignorant, badly-brought-up female. You have blamed false witness on your neighbor. You played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed.' So, the woman said she was sorry, and asked for forgiveness. 'Not so fast,' says O' Rourke. 'I want you to go home, take a pillow upon your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me.' So, the woman went home: took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to her roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed. 'Did you cut the pillow with a knife?' he says. 'Yes, Father.' 'And what were the results?' 'Feathers,' she said. 'Feathers?' he repeated. 'Feathers; everywhere, Father.' 'Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out onto the wind,' 'Well,' she said, 'it can't be done. I don't know where they went. The wind took them all over.' 'And that,' said Father O' Rourke, 'is gossip!'

I refuse to let rumors and gossip color my opinion of anyone. I want to know who that person is, not who someone else tells me that person is. I believe that many powerful friendships and relationships can be lost over simple misunderstandings.

I've also learned to watch what I say to certain people. If I don't want something getting around the town, there are certain people that I won't tell. These are the same people that if I have something that needs to be spread, as in, I am going to have to tell a lot of people, I tell them, because I know the right people will be informed.

There are some things that are just too precious to share. Things that are too sacred to become the fodder of slander. Those things I keep to myself.

ramble ramble ramble

I have some great friends. I'm not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination. But I do have a few very close friends. I have one that is just amazing to me. Last night, came over, noticed I had laundry baskets out on the living room floor, "doing laundry?" "well, I was, but I had one problem, no quarters" immediately stands up and starts digging through pockets, "sorry, but all I could find was ten dollars worth" stacks them neatly on my floor and won't take them back. 

I went to the softball game last night. My brother plays and it was a bit of nostalgia sitting in those cold, metal bleachers watching the men play ball, as I had watched them as teens play ball years ago. When we were in high school Ellie and I would walk to the ball park and watch the boys play. Nightgames were great fun, and they still are. It was a blast watching them play. They all love the game and you can tell by the way they play. Watching the outfielders crash into each other in a scramble to get to the ball, line drives right into the pitcher's leg, the taunting and the teasing. One of the player's sons they let play, looks so small out there with those big players. But that kid can play. Homeruns, beautiful basehits, triples, beautiful throws from outfield to home. And everyone cheering him, and then his mom who is sitting in the bleachers with all of us. And at the end of the 7th inning, both teams not wanting to quit, so playing another round. No score, no pressure, the best plays were made during that time. Righties batted left, lefties batted right, homeruns were scored on basehits, triples were made on bunts, slides, dust clouds, running, catching, laughing. Everyone enjoying the game and not worrying about the score. Just beautiful.

So I'm starting to explore the world of twitter. I think it can be useful, for those little one line thoughts I want to explore, toss, get feedback on, perhaps, like mini blogging. 

I just finished another book, it was good, emotionally rending, its My Sister, My love, by Joyce Carole Oats. I can't really describe it, just that it was excellent. Hard to read because of the raw emotion of the main character. But still good.

Ok, slight confession, I'm fascinated by astrology, and astronomy. But astrology, I find fascinating, I don't necessarily believe that the stars predict fate and whatnot, but I love mythos, and that is a branch of myth. I find it fascinating how many different interpretations of a singular subject there are. At opposite ends of the spectrum, one gemini website says "you are shy, but intelligent" another says "you are outgoing and persuasive". I guess thats the curse of being the "twin" sign. Opposite sides of a coin, oh well.

Ok, I think I can sleep now, if not I'll be up writing again.

Paying Respect

I did it. After not being able to for over a year. A visit to the cemetary in the company of a couple of friends prompted me to just deal with it. I visited Brandon. It was harder and easier than I thought it would be. As I knelt at his headstone, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I swallowed them back as I didn't want to explain the reason for my tears to the people I was with. I doubt I could even explain them to myself. Regrets, guilt, sorrow for all the moments missed, for all that could have been. His headstone is a beautiful and loving tribute to his young life. A picture of him in a tux adorns the front of the headstone. I apologized for missing his funeral and for not being strong enough to visit his grave before this moment. His death hit me hard. It still does. When the cemetary begins to be populated with your peers, its time to evaluate life and how you are living. 

I miss him. And I didn't even know him. Just as a fellow classmate. Its our ten year reunion this year and as a class we are planning on paying tribute to him and another of our classmates that passed on. 

Three years ago

My life changed. The most amazing experience was given to me by my youngest son. His arrival was intense and unique. We celebrate his birthday today. I didn't plan anything interesting or exciting but we stayed home and fixed his favorite food for dinner and friends and family stopped by throughout the day to drop off gifts and birthday wishes. 

He was born in my bathroom at 4:20am on June 4 of 2006. Unexpected and unplanned he rushed into this world. He's been a wonderful child and his personality has developed into such a fun loving person. He is quite imaginative and talkative. Its hard to believe its been three years already. He's such a darling child. 

So

Here's wishing a Happy Birthday to Donovan. :)

Too Much

Do you ever feel like everything is coming at you at once and you just can't get caught up? I've got a lot on my plate right now, so I'm trying to organize my thoughts. Writing always helps.

My house. Ok, so I'm buying my child hood home from my mother. Just found out that the property taxes haven't been paid for a couple years and its about to go up on auction. I'll be able to scrounge the money before the due date but its stressing me out. I've also got to get my brother out of that house, I don't want to kick him out with nowhere to go but I also don't want to be paying on a house that I'm not living in. I also need to pack and get ready for the move, which I hate doing. It'll be good of course, give me a chance to really declutter, but blegh, I hate it with a passion.

School. I get a letter from the school I'm going to saying the account is past due and being sent for collections. Wait. Um, What????? So, I start checking my online account with them. Its showing a charge for the summer semester and a tiny bit for last semester. Its also showing that I have financial aid available, but it doesn't look like its been applied yet. I've emailed the financial counselor, she has yet to get back to me, I've tried calling, same thing. I finally emailed my enrollment counselor, he's always on the ball, within five minutes he had forwarded the email to a couple people in the finance office. I mean, I'd like to stay on with the school, I'm loving classes and doing really well. I don't want to get locked out because someone dropped the ball somewhere. Its enough to make me want to pull my hair out.

The kids. I love my kids, they're wonderful. T-ball signups were last week. I missed the deadline. With all the other stress and everything else, that was what tipped the emotional scales. I sobbed for an hour about it. As it turns out, my son doesn't want to play t-ball. Which doesn't surprise me, he's not a sport like child. He did however express interest in the 4-H summer camps they are offering. I got a notice about them on Friday, May 1st. It said have this sheet turned into us, by May 1st. I wanted to SCREAM!!! I bit the bullet and turned it in anyway today, hopefully he'll be signed up for photography class and the environmental class.

In other news, I bought a 360. Now, I do not like video games, mostly. I already have a wii. But the 360 was cheap and its much more than a gaming console. My favorite feature right now is the netflix streaming. Since I have a netflix account, I can add certain movies to my watch instantly qeue, and they will show up on the 360 so I can watch on the tv instead of the computer. I love that! I've also got a few friends who have 360s and we can chat on it while we're playing or watching movies. Its been fun so far and well worth the money I spent. I still need to buy some games, but the free trials and demos are enough for now. The kids love banjo and kazooie, and I might actually buy the full version, but for now, they're happy as clams with the demo. I also have a regular XBOX set up right now, its not mine, it belongs to a friend. On weekends we get together and play co-op games. So far, we love Hunter The Reckoning: Redeemer. We played almost all weekend. Saturday we spent out at the dump rescuing old computers that the high school had thrown out. That was fun, it started out as the perfect day for it, and then we got caught in a thunderstorm, complete with hail.

So, there's my life. Crazy stuff.