The act of 'not-being'

Its exhausting. Not being something. I'm so tired of it, not being a good mother, not being a good student, not being ... something. Not being heard. Not being good at anything I do. Just.. in a perpetual state of not being. And the not being is more exhausting than the alternative, because when you are yourself, its easy, and renewing.

I'm just so exhausted by this state of not being. I can feel the numbness spreading.

The pain of life

Pretend that it doesn't matter how much I care. Pretend that it can all be brushed aside. Is it heartlessness? I don't know. All I know is that I do care. That doesn't change because its belittled or shrugged aside. I care. The conclusion is that it doesn't matter whether its reciprocated or not. It doesn't change that one little fact. In this moment, that is the truth. What is past has no bearing on it, and what is future cannot change it. You say run, like its the easiest thing to do. How can I run when my feet are made of lead. Planted firmly, steadfastly in this place. Wherever it is. Whatever it is. Exploring this new and different situation. Part of me feels it should be frightening, uncertainty awaits. I trust that I will be kept safe though, or that the pain on this journey is just a part of the experience. Its an experience I'm willing to endure for the joy it brings as well as the pain that must surely occur. Loss is inevitable. I am aware of that. I accept it.

Watching the sun go down on another summer. School starts tomorrow. There were so many things I had planned for the summer and I didn't get around to all of them. But there are a few warm months left so I'll be able to take the kids to the parks in our area. I want to take them to Natural Bridges, Arches, Canyonlands, exploring on the mountain. Fishing perhaps. We've been able to get a lot of camping done thanks to a very good friend of mine. The kids love camping and every day ask if they can go again. They have such a fun time running around and playing.

I bought a truck so that we would have an easier time getting around the mountain and all the other places I want to visit. I love it! That truck is so great. Its a 1985 Ford F-250. Manual transmission with 4WD. Extended cab so I can haul the kids around.

FINE

I'm fine. FINE. F.I.N.E.

Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.


Freaked out because this emotion is new and unusual and I don't know how to handle it.

Insecure because I think I may be the only one that feels this way.

Neurotic because my mind is racing.

Emotional because its scary as hell.

Falling. Inescapable. Necessary. Eternal.

I am fine. Fine. FINE. F.I.N.E.

Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I had taken this years ago. I couldn't remember what the result was exactly but thought it was either INFJ or INFP. Reading through both of the descriptions I decided on INFJ. But thought perhaps that the years may have altered the result. So I took the test again. The results were INFJ. Again. The description seems accurate. http://typelogic.com/infj.html

If anyone wants to take the quiz, I took it at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

the rumor mill

This has been rolling around in my brain for the last little while. Living in a small town people tend to assume things and watch you and spread rumors that they think are facts. Some are harmless, and extremely entertaining when they get back to you. Others are quite damaging and tragic. One false word can ruin someone's life, livelihood and peace.

I haven't seen this movie yet but I thought this was a powerful story and illustration of the damage of gossip. This is from Doubt with Meryl Streep. I believe its the Priest speaking.

A woman was gossiping with her friend about a man whom they hardly knew - I know none of you have ever done this. That night, she had a dream: a great hand appeared over her and pointed down on her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O' Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. 'Is gossiping a sin?' she asked the old man. 'Was that God All Mighty's hand pointing down at me? Should I ask for your absolution? Father, have I done something wrong?' 'Yes,' Father O' Rourke answered her. 'Yes, you ignorant, badly-brought-up female. You have blamed false witness on your neighbor. You played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed.' So, the woman said she was sorry, and asked for forgiveness. 'Not so fast,' says O' Rourke. 'I want you to go home, take a pillow upon your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me.' So, the woman went home: took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to her roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed. 'Did you cut the pillow with a knife?' he says. 'Yes, Father.' 'And what were the results?' 'Feathers,' she said. 'Feathers?' he repeated. 'Feathers; everywhere, Father.' 'Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out onto the wind,' 'Well,' she said, 'it can't be done. I don't know where they went. The wind took them all over.' 'And that,' said Father O' Rourke, 'is gossip!'

I refuse to let rumors and gossip color my opinion of anyone. I want to know who that person is, not who someone else tells me that person is. I believe that many powerful friendships and relationships can be lost over simple misunderstandings.

I've also learned to watch what I say to certain people. If I don't want something getting around the town, there are certain people that I won't tell. These are the same people that if I have something that needs to be spread, as in, I am going to have to tell a lot of people, I tell them, because I know the right people will be informed.

There are some things that are just too precious to share. Things that are too sacred to become the fodder of slander. Those things I keep to myself.

ramble ramble ramble

I have some great friends. I'm not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination. But I do have a few very close friends. I have one that is just amazing to me. Last night, came over, noticed I had laundry baskets out on the living room floor, "doing laundry?" "well, I was, but I had one problem, no quarters" immediately stands up and starts digging through pockets, "sorry, but all I could find was ten dollars worth" stacks them neatly on my floor and won't take them back. 

I went to the softball game last night. My brother plays and it was a bit of nostalgia sitting in those cold, metal bleachers watching the men play ball, as I had watched them as teens play ball years ago. When we were in high school Ellie and I would walk to the ball park and watch the boys play. Nightgames were great fun, and they still are. It was a blast watching them play. They all love the game and you can tell by the way they play. Watching the outfielders crash into each other in a scramble to get to the ball, line drives right into the pitcher's leg, the taunting and the teasing. One of the player's sons they let play, looks so small out there with those big players. But that kid can play. Homeruns, beautiful basehits, triples, beautiful throws from outfield to home. And everyone cheering him, and then his mom who is sitting in the bleachers with all of us. And at the end of the 7th inning, both teams not wanting to quit, so playing another round. No score, no pressure, the best plays were made during that time. Righties batted left, lefties batted right, homeruns were scored on basehits, triples were made on bunts, slides, dust clouds, running, catching, laughing. Everyone enjoying the game and not worrying about the score. Just beautiful.

So I'm starting to explore the world of twitter. I think it can be useful, for those little one line thoughts I want to explore, toss, get feedback on, perhaps, like mini blogging. 

I just finished another book, it was good, emotionally rending, its My Sister, My love, by Joyce Carole Oats. I can't really describe it, just that it was excellent. Hard to read because of the raw emotion of the main character. But still good.

Ok, slight confession, I'm fascinated by astrology, and astronomy. But astrology, I find fascinating, I don't necessarily believe that the stars predict fate and whatnot, but I love mythos, and that is a branch of myth. I find it fascinating how many different interpretations of a singular subject there are. At opposite ends of the spectrum, one gemini website says "you are shy, but intelligent" another says "you are outgoing and persuasive". I guess thats the curse of being the "twin" sign. Opposite sides of a coin, oh well.

Ok, I think I can sleep now, if not I'll be up writing again.

Paying Respect

I did it. After not being able to for over a year. A visit to the cemetary in the company of a couple of friends prompted me to just deal with it. I visited Brandon. It was harder and easier than I thought it would be. As I knelt at his headstone, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I swallowed them back as I didn't want to explain the reason for my tears to the people I was with. I doubt I could even explain them to myself. Regrets, guilt, sorrow for all the moments missed, for all that could have been. His headstone is a beautiful and loving tribute to his young life. A picture of him in a tux adorns the front of the headstone. I apologized for missing his funeral and for not being strong enough to visit his grave before this moment. His death hit me hard. It still does. When the cemetary begins to be populated with your peers, its time to evaluate life and how you are living. 

I miss him. And I didn't even know him. Just as a fellow classmate. Its our ten year reunion this year and as a class we are planning on paying tribute to him and another of our classmates that passed on. 

Three years ago

My life changed. The most amazing experience was given to me by my youngest son. His arrival was intense and unique. We celebrate his birthday today. I didn't plan anything interesting or exciting but we stayed home and fixed his favorite food for dinner and friends and family stopped by throughout the day to drop off gifts and birthday wishes. 

He was born in my bathroom at 4:20am on June 4 of 2006. Unexpected and unplanned he rushed into this world. He's been a wonderful child and his personality has developed into such a fun loving person. He is quite imaginative and talkative. Its hard to believe its been three years already. He's such a darling child. 

So

Here's wishing a Happy Birthday to Donovan. :)

Too Much

Do you ever feel like everything is coming at you at once and you just can't get caught up? I've got a lot on my plate right now, so I'm trying to organize my thoughts. Writing always helps.

My house. Ok, so I'm buying my child hood home from my mother. Just found out that the property taxes haven't been paid for a couple years and its about to go up on auction. I'll be able to scrounge the money before the due date but its stressing me out. I've also got to get my brother out of that house, I don't want to kick him out with nowhere to go but I also don't want to be paying on a house that I'm not living in. I also need to pack and get ready for the move, which I hate doing. It'll be good of course, give me a chance to really declutter, but blegh, I hate it with a passion.

School. I get a letter from the school I'm going to saying the account is past due and being sent for collections. Wait. Um, What????? So, I start checking my online account with them. Its showing a charge for the summer semester and a tiny bit for last semester. Its also showing that I have financial aid available, but it doesn't look like its been applied yet. I've emailed the financial counselor, she has yet to get back to me, I've tried calling, same thing. I finally emailed my enrollment counselor, he's always on the ball, within five minutes he had forwarded the email to a couple people in the finance office. I mean, I'd like to stay on with the school, I'm loving classes and doing really well. I don't want to get locked out because someone dropped the ball somewhere. Its enough to make me want to pull my hair out.

The kids. I love my kids, they're wonderful. T-ball signups were last week. I missed the deadline. With all the other stress and everything else, that was what tipped the emotional scales. I sobbed for an hour about it. As it turns out, my son doesn't want to play t-ball. Which doesn't surprise me, he's not a sport like child. He did however express interest in the 4-H summer camps they are offering. I got a notice about them on Friday, May 1st. It said have this sheet turned into us, by May 1st. I wanted to SCREAM!!! I bit the bullet and turned it in anyway today, hopefully he'll be signed up for photography class and the environmental class.

In other news, I bought a 360. Now, I do not like video games, mostly. I already have a wii. But the 360 was cheap and its much more than a gaming console. My favorite feature right now is the netflix streaming. Since I have a netflix account, I can add certain movies to my watch instantly qeue, and they will show up on the 360 so I can watch on the tv instead of the computer. I love that! I've also got a few friends who have 360s and we can chat on it while we're playing or watching movies. Its been fun so far and well worth the money I spent. I still need to buy some games, but the free trials and demos are enough for now. The kids love banjo and kazooie, and I might actually buy the full version, but for now, they're happy as clams with the demo. I also have a regular XBOX set up right now, its not mine, it belongs to a friend. On weekends we get together and play co-op games. So far, we love Hunter The Reckoning: Redeemer. We played almost all weekend. Saturday we spent out at the dump rescuing old computers that the high school had thrown out. That was fun, it started out as the perfect day for it, and then we got caught in a thunderstorm, complete with hail.

So, there's my life. Crazy stuff.