From the archives

For closure on my grief.

Friday, February 29, 2008

11:26 PM

Brandon died last night. I still can’t believe it. He was too young to die, my age, 26 or 27. I’m having a hard time with it. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t that close to him. We were more acquaintances than friends. In the past we were enemies, perhaps that’s the connection. Deep down, I felt a connection to him, I don’t know why. I always felt we could be really good friends, I just never acted on it.

He was in a car accident, he was driving drunk. I keep picture his beautiful face, mangled, and I lose it, I can’t do this.

Since I started working at the bank, he’s been coming in once a week to cash his checks. We’ve met on friendly terms in that setting, and casually flirted. I’ve started to look forward to when he’d come into the bank. I think we could have begun to be friends, and now he’s gone.

I keep hoping that a mistake was made, that it wasn’t Brandon, but someone else. That he will show up at the bank, healthy and whole. I know that’s just wishful thinking. But oh how I wish.

I'm surprised to learn that I don't think about him everyday. Days go by and he doesn't cross my mind. Life goes on, I go to work, I clean my house, I hang out with friends. And he doesn't cross my mind.

But little things will bring him to mind at random intervals. I start thinking about how many of us ended up back here and I think of him. I wonder how he is, and then remember, he's gone, and he isn't coming back.

Or, I'll see a semi, and think about the accident. And I realize that its been days since I thought about him at all, and wonder how that can be. How can I not remember him, and that he's gone.

I pass the bulletin board at the post office, and I remember how the only thing on it for a few days was his funeral announcement.And how reading that was what solidified it for me. Up until that point, I thought there was a mixup, and that it had to be another person. That brandon couldn't be gone. But reading it in black and white made it real, Brandon is dead.

I still tear up at the thought that I will never see him again. I know I have no claim on him, I wasn't even really his friend, but his death hit me hard.

I think a part of me could have loved him.