I have some great friends. I'm not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination. But I do have a few very close friends. I have one that is just amazing to me. Last night, came over, noticed I had laundry baskets out on the living room floor, "doing laundry?" "well, I was, but I had one problem, no quarters" immediately stands up and starts digging through pockets, "sorry, but all I could find was ten dollars worth" stacks them neatly on my floor and won't take them back.
I went to the softball game last night. My brother plays and it was a bit of nostalgia sitting in those cold, metal bleachers watching the men play ball, as I had watched them as teens play ball years ago. When we were in high school Ellie and I would walk to the ball park and watch the boys play. Nightgames were great fun, and they still are. It was a blast watching them play. They all love the game and you can tell by the way they play. Watching the outfielders crash into each other in a scramble to get to the ball, line drives right into the pitcher's leg, the taunting and the teasing. One of the player's sons they let play, looks so small out there with those big players. But that kid can play. Homeruns, beautiful basehits, triples, beautiful throws from outfield to home. And everyone cheering him, and then his mom who is sitting in the bleachers with all of us. And at the end of the 7th inning, both teams not wanting to quit, so playing another round. No score, no pressure, the best plays were made during that time. Righties batted left, lefties batted right, homeruns were scored on basehits, triples were made on bunts, slides, dust clouds, running, catching, laughing. Everyone enjoying the game and not worrying about the score. Just beautiful.
So I'm starting to explore the world of twitter. I think it can be useful, for those little one line thoughts I want to explore, toss, get feedback on, perhaps, like mini blogging.
I just finished another book, it was good, emotionally rending, its My Sister, My love, by Joyce Carole Oats. I can't really describe it, just that it was excellent. Hard to read because of the raw emotion of the main character. But still good.
Ok, slight confession, I'm fascinated by astrology, and astronomy. But astrology, I find fascinating, I don't necessarily believe that the stars predict fate and whatnot, but I love mythos, and that is a branch of myth. I find it fascinating how many different interpretations of a singular subject there are. At opposite ends of the spectrum, one gemini website says "you are shy, but intelligent" another says "you are outgoing and persuasive". I guess thats the curse of being the "twin" sign. Opposite sides of a coin, oh well.
Ok, I think I can sleep now, if not I'll be up writing again.
I did it. After not being able to for over a year. A visit to the cemetary in the company of a couple of friends prompted me to just deal with it. I visited Brandon. It was harder and easier than I thought it would be. As I knelt at his headstone, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I swallowed them back as I didn't want to explain the reason for my tears to the people I was with. I doubt I could even explain them to myself. Regrets, guilt, sorrow for all the moments missed, for all that could have been. His headstone is a beautiful and loving tribute to his young life. A picture of him in a tux adorns the front of the headstone. I apologized for missing his funeral and for not being strong enough to visit his grave before this moment. His death hit me hard. It still does. When the cemetary begins to be populated with your peers, its time to evaluate life and how you are living.
I miss him. And I didn't even know him. Just as a fellow classmate. Its our ten year reunion this year and as a class we are planning on paying tribute to him and another of our classmates that passed on.
My life changed. The most amazing experience was given to me by my youngest son. His arrival was intense and unique. We celebrate his birthday today. I didn't plan anything interesting or exciting but we stayed home and fixed his favorite food for dinner and friends and family stopped by throughout the day to drop off gifts and birthday wishes.
He was born in my bathroom at 4:20am on June 4 of 2006. Unexpected and unplanned he rushed into this world. He's been a wonderful child and his personality has developed into such a fun loving person. He is quite imaginative and talkative. Its hard to believe its been three years already. He's such a darling child.
So
Here's wishing a Happy Birthday to Donovan. :)
For closure on my grief.
Friday, February 29, 2008
11:26 PM
Brandon died last night. I still can’t believe it. He was too young to die, my age, 26 or 27. I’m having a hard time with it. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t that close to him. We were more acquaintances than friends. In the past we were enemies, perhaps that’s the connection. Deep down, I felt a connection to him, I don’t know why. I always felt we could be really good friends, I just never acted on it.
He was in a car accident, he was driving drunk. I keep picture his beautiful face, mangled, and I lose it, I can’t do this.
Since I started working at the bank, he’s been coming in once a week to cash his checks. We’ve met on friendly terms in that setting, and casually flirted. I’ve started to look forward to when he’d come into the bank. I think we could have begun to be friends, and now he’s gone.
I keep hoping that a mistake was made, that it wasn’t Brandon, but someone else. That he will show up at the bank, healthy and whole. I know that’s just wishful thinking. But oh how I wish.
