choices

Its either write or cry. I'm choosing to write. Whether I can get through this though is another story. I'm just sick over the senselessness of this weekend's atrocity. I've been reading the news articles online, probably making myself crazy. But reading has always been my way of dealing with things.

I'm making phone calls right now. Other people's pain has always effected me more than my own. Compassion I suppose its called. I just talked to my ex father in law. A strong, quiet man. He served in Vietnam. He was in tears talking to me and I could only just cry a long with him. I had never seen nor heard him cry before. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I can't imagine the pain of losing a brother, a spouse, a parent. But he was essentially a brother to me, and the pain of losing that connection is hard to bare.

I'm waiting for my ex sister in law to call back. I know she's having a really hard time. I can't imagine being her age and widowed. I don't know what to say to her. But I want her to know that I'm thinking of her and loving her through this difficult time.

He was such a great person. Friendly, funny, fun loving. He loved his family. I know he loved being a father. They had tried so hard for years to get pregnant and now she is and he's gone. He was a good uncle to my kids, they loved their Uncle Brad.

I just talked to her. She's doing pretty good, considering. Making jokes, and remembering him fondly. His death doesn't make sense and everyone is trying to make sense of it. She's happy to have a piece of him in her unborn child, and she plans on naming the baby after him. I'm both happy and sad for her. Happy that she's finally going to have a baby, and sad that she'll have to raise it without its father.

It all seems so surreal, and I wish I could feel, a little bit more than I have before.

I'm exhausted from all the emotions running through my soul. My eyes ache from crying. My heart aches for his family.

Human life is fleeting and frail. It doesn't take much to end it. It also doesn't take much to live and enjoy what you have. Enjoy each breath, each smell, each touch, each glance, each lingering look. Each late night conversation, each comfortable silence.