This was Christmas 2006

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

My Christmas Miracle Current mood: thankful My Christmas Miracle On the "first" day of Christmas my secret friends gave to me, a gift to start twelve days of surprises and gifts on my front porch. We waited in eager anticipation every night for the knock on our door, to see what gift would be left on the porch. There was candy and small trinkets for the children, little cars, and gloves and socks. A nativity greeted us one night and every day there was a special Christmas story to read together. We learned of the true meaning of the season, giving, caring and selfless service. Saturday morning, my middle son woke up screaming in the middle of the night saying his ear hurt. I took him in to the doctor's office that day and we got antibiotics for his ear infection and the dr. also handed me two $40 gift cards to the grocery store. When I checked my mail that day, there was an anonymous letter that contained a $100 gift card for the grocery store. A couple days before Christmas we got a visit from Santa Claus. I still am not sure who it was but someone dressed up as Santa brought over gifts and food. Each of the boys got 2 toys, and a box full of brand new clothes. Each of us got a blanket and I got some fuzzy pink slippers. He also brought a complete turkey dinner, a twenty-one pound turkey, a box of stuffing, a bag of potatoes, and a can of yams. He even brought a roasting pan to bake the turkey in. He left what looked like a cookie tin, but when I went to pick it up, it felt very, very, very heavy. I opened it and saw it full of change, with a few dollar bills floating around. As I dumped it out, something got caught in the canister, and I looked to see a wad of $50s, $20s, etc. I counted out $400. On Christmas Eve, someone knocked on my door, no one was there, but on my porch was a jar full of money. There was $28 in that jar, all in loose change. Christmas morning, my oldest woke up at 3AM, and wanted to eat the candy that was in his stocking. I put a movie on for him to fall asleep to, and told him we would open all the goodies in the morning. I slept well, and dreamed that there were tons of presents on my front porch. Christmas morning arrived and the kids and I enjoyed opening all the gifts. We had plans to go to my mom's house that day, so as soon as we were done opening the gifts, I went out to start my car. On the front seat of my car was a bag full of presents for all of us. I couldn't believe it, we had already had so many blessings, and they just kept pouring in. Christmas day was a wonderfully happy time spent with my entire family. We had turkey, prime rib roast, stuffing, potatoes, etc, etc. I decided to use a bit of my cash to get the oil changed in my car. I drive a 1984 Mercedes-Benz 300DT and I waited two and a half hours at Wal-Mart for them to tell me that they didn't carry the oil filter for my car. I was so frustrated and anxious; I had the 2 year old and the baby with me. But they told me that if I went and got the oil filter and came back, they would give me a free oil change, and they also handed me a $25 gift card. So I did get my oil changed and received even more blessings. Malachi 3:10 10 ….cprove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not dopen you the ewindows of heaven, and pour you out a fblessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

Christmas Week

Merry Christmas. I'm not going to worry about being politically correct, this is my blog and I celebrate Christmas, so its Merry Christmas, and feel free to leave your own holiday greeting in the comments. I think all should be embraced and not shunned. Its a celebration of the gift of giving.

My kids are going to their dad's for Christmas this year. Its going to be weird not to have a Christmas with them but we opened some presents tonight. They got a lot of Crayola coloring things. A glow station, a color wonder sprayer, and a glow board. It looks like it will be a lot of fun, but most of the things need batteries.

I ordered their big present today. They'll get it when they get back. I got them bunk beds. Right now they are still sleeping in toddler beds, and my oldest is definitely growing out of his. So when they get back they'll have new beds. I think it will be really good for them.

Its snowing again today. On top of the 10 inches or so that we got last week. We're supposed to get another nine inches tonight. I really don't like the snow. I mean its pretty and all, but its cold, and it keeps me from doing things I need to do. I hate being trapped in my house. I don't always go anywhere anyway, but I hate feeling like I can't. I suppose its a contradiction of sorts. If I had my way, I'd stay home, locked up, reading all the time, but that doesn't pay the bills. I wish it did. But the fact that the snow is getting to where I can't go anywhere gets on my nerves. I also hate the cold and especially the fact that I've been home for 4 hours, have socks on, had soup for dinner, and have the heater on, my toes are still cold.

This is a good reminder of why a somewhat adequate food storage is a good idea. I'd panic about not being able to get to the store if I didn't have about a week's worth of food, possibly more stored up. It also makes me think of things I'd like to keep on hand for these situations. Lots of hot chocolate, soups, broths, flours and ingredients to make bread. Potatoes, things that are quick and filling.

But this time of year also reminds me of why I love living where I do. There are some very generous people in this community. This year I've gotten a $50 gift card to the grocery store, $100 and gifts for the boys, $20 and a pair of gloves and a box of oranges. These were all given anonymously, and I appreciate it every year. The first year was overwhelmingly, but as I've gotten on my feet its been just enough to help out. I'll post the blog entry I had written about that year after I post this one.

A feast

A feast?

For two years I fought
I fought temptation
I fought desire
I fought the tug of my soul

For a year I ignored
I ignored feelings
Feelings that threatened
Threatened my peace

For a month I pretended
Pretended we could be friends
Friendship would be enough
But it couldn't be

For an hour I gave in
I gave into the temptation
I gave into the desire
I gave into my heart and soul

For a moment I had peace
Peace that was real
Real Peace of heart
Real Peace of soul

I ignored my mind
I tampered the fight
I forgot the reasons
It was you and me

And that was more than enough

Saturday-Fun day!

I got up this morning still feeling the crud hanging out in my nasal passages. But I decided that shouldn't take me away from the things I needed to do today. I needed to go to Moab. Its the closest place that has the stores that carry food that my son can eat. And I needed to stock up. So, I started getting ready. As I was making sure the kids all had shoes on, the bishopric of our ward rang my doorbell. All three had Santa hats on and they wished us a Merry Christmas and dropped off a bag of cookies.

We drove into Moab, and as we passed the theater I quickly glanced over. Twilight is playing! I text my friend and let her know and ask if she wants to meet me there for the one o'clock show. Affirmative, sweet. And my cousin agreed to watch the kids.

I'm wandering around city market, trying to find the things I need to get. The one major thing, I still couldn't find. Its xanthan or guar gum. But I did find a bunch of wheat free, gluten free baking mixes. So I bought a few bags of each, bread mix, brownie mix, chocolate chip cookie mix, cornbread mix. It was very exciting! Now I can make treats for him. It was a successful trip all in all.

When we got home, I did a crisis clean on my apartment. Being sick for a few days makes a buildup of messy. Now its comfortably tidy. At least until the kids start playing lol.

Its been a long day, but productive and I feel comfortably exhausted and ready to cuddle down with a book. I'm almost finished with the last book in the Riddle-Master trilogy. And then I'm going to start The Aviator. A book I've read a few times and still love.

The winter ills

Its that time of year again. The creeping crud is creeping through town. Making the rounds. I was out for the last couple days. I still had to work but it was miserable. A true cold is not fun. Every year this happens, it starts with one person, and usually gets spread around the school, the kids bring it home, pass it to the parents, who go to work and spread it there. It seems like its a neverending cycle of illness.

I fixed the keyboard on my laptop. My youngest child has been pulling the keys off the keyboard. These keys are not easy to put back on like desktop keyboards are. So I ordered a new keyboard for my laptop. It was about $40. It came with no instructions, no documentation, nothing to give me a clue as to what I was doing. So, I did what I always do when face with a problem I can't see a solution to.

Google.

And google saved me again! There was a wonderful blog post with step by step instructions including pictures, that someone in the same predicament had posted. He had figured out by trial and error how to do it and shared with the internets his solution. After studying his blog for a few minutes, I was confident enough to get started. I removed the power sources, the panels that were in the way. Removed 8 screws. These things are tiny! After wrestling for a few minutes I finally was able to pry the old keyboard off the laptop. Ok, now time to slip the new one in. Not as easy I thought it would be. But after tweaking and prodding, I got it in. Reverse the steps put it back together, power it on. Great. Now half the keys don't work. I wonder what I did wrong here. oh well, you don't really need the 5,6,7,t,y,u,g,h,b,n,m, keys right?

So, I have two options at this point. Call my tech repair man. Or, redo it. Since I can't exactly call the tech man, I decide to go with option B. I again, take everything apart, darn those tiny screws!! After a cursory glance over, I can't see that anything is misconnected, so I just push a little on the keyboard cable, tweak the connection a bit. Then with everything still apart, supplied power, and tested the keyboard. (this is not recommended, try not to have power going to an electronic device that has its innards exposed) Voila! Its working perfectly. I still have no idea what it was that was wrong or how exactly I fixed it. But I don't mind, as I now have a wonderfully working keyboard. Which makes it so much easier to type.

I edited the last poem I posted. Somewhat due to advice received from a friend. And I felt that another stanza might be necessary. I like how it shows the dwindle in time, 2 years, 1 year, 1 month, and now I added 1 moment. If it works, it works. This is the first poem that touches a little on that "from the heart" writing. I felt its power when I wrote it. I have all these words running through my mind and I know I can shape them into something beautiful or ghastly.

That scares me.

Things Change

I'm living in the town I grew up in for the most part. Its a quiet, small town. Population 1800. I've felt comfortable in this safe town. But on Halloween I realized that it isn't as safe as it used to be. I had walked across the park to Woody's get something to drink. I was with a couple friends and on the walk back, a bunch of kids came running out of the trees towards us. Once they realized that there was a guy in our group they backed off. But since then I've been weary of walking across the park at night. In high school I wouldn't have thought twice. In fact many times, around midnight, I'd walk up to Woody's to get a soda and a snack. This saddens me. I know things could be worse but not feeling safe to walk the block to the convenience store in this town is not right.

It snowed tonight. Just an inch enough to cover everything in white. I'm not fond of snow or cold. But its beautiful. As long as I can stay in, where its warm and cuddle up with a mug of hot cocoa and a good book. I love Christmas though. I've started putting up decorations. I don't have a tree yet, a friend of mine is bringing me one sometime. I put some lights up though, and decorated the shelves with little figurines and a few nativities. Its starting to look very festive. I started watching Christmas movies. I watched Bridget Jones's Diary last night. Watched some of The Polar Express earlier and now I'm watching Elf. I'll probably put While you Were Sleeping in after Elf is over. And I'll have to watch Serendipity sometime as well.

Reading

I love to read. Give me a book and I'll devour it. I'd rather read a book than watch a movie. Its been awhile since I've actually been able to read, to lose myself in a story so much that I have to re-orient myself to the real world when I finish.

I've read quite a few books in the last couple months. All from very different genres. So if you're looking for a an idea of what to read, I'll describe a few...

The Dark Tower series by Stephen King~ not his usual creepy stuff. Kind of a cross between Lord of the Rings and a western. The first book, The Gunslinger, is very interesting and gripping. As the series progresses though, some of the creepy stuff creeps in (lol) I still need to read the last book, I've been putting it off because I really don't want the story to end.

The Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton~ This is real vampire fiction. Full of gore, violence, crime, werewolves, vampires, voodoo. Its a fun read though. There are 16 books in the series. So far. Another one is due out next year. This is a series for adult readers.

The Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer~ Not really a vampire series. Its a love story. Forbidden, because Edward is a vampire. Most girls will identify with Bella. She's awkward, clumsy, trips on flat surfaces, her skin is too pale, she's average. Edward is a part of a family of vampires that has sworn off killing humans, instead opting for animals. Not quite fulfilling. But they'd rather not be considered monsters. Its an entertaining read. This is a series for pre-teens to young adult readers but I know many older people have enjoyed it.

The Riddle-Master of Hed by Patricia A. McKellip~ This is a fantasy/scifi series. Very much like The Lord of the Rings, but a bit lighter read. I'm just started the third book. Its great, very well written. I'm enjoying it. Each book has taken me just a few hours to read. Preteen. Although some of the made up languages can be hard to follow.

The Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern abridged by William Goldman~ If you loved the movie, you'll love the book. One of my favorites. Anyone would enjoy this I think.

Beauty by Robin Mckinley~ I love this book. Its a retelling of the story of Beauty and the Beast. I've read this book at least ten times a year since I was 12. I have the first couple pages memorized. I love the imagery. Its an old friend. I think anyone would enjoy this as well.

I think thats all I read in the last few months.

So cryptic

And, I'm still so cryptic in my poems, which barely graze the surface of the feelings behind them. I've been talented with words, able to shield and veil the truths in me. Leading those who get close away with a cryptic word, leading in circles until they give up. Veiling in half truths, or truths that aren't really mine. Playing word games, although, sometimes they're not games, they're just play, to get away from the more serious things.

Its 2:30 in the morning, and i couldn't sleep, because of the first line in the previous poem, and the truths that are in that poem, trying to figure out how to word it. And I did it again, I worded it in a way that leaves the reader guessing, even if they think they know whats behind it. I wonder if they really do. Because I left out a few things, or I used another word that could mean something else. Sometimes, those words just work with the rhythm of the words. Even if its not quite what I meant.

I have all these words wandering through my mind. Some stick out, and stick around for days, until I write them down. Some disappear, before I can even get a handle on them. Which is why I've taken to keeping the laptop on my nightstand. So that on nights like tonight, I can write it out. And then perhaps I can sleep.

My perfect Thanksgiving

I'm not one for a lot of pomp on holidays. Ideally, I'd cook, and family and friends would stop by for a bite and some conversation before moving on to their own homes.

And this year was perfect. Just me and my kids. I cooked a turkey breast roast and mashed potatoes. We had olives and sparkling cider. I put the roast in my lovely roaster pan, temp at 350 and rubbed olive oil and some seasoning on it. I then took a 3 hour nap and woke to the mouthwatering aroma of turkey. For being a breast roast, it was amazingly tender and moist. While the turkey finished roasting I whipped up some mashed potatoes, due to allergies in the household I couldn't use butter and milk in them. Instead I used half a can of chicken broth, and some Canola Harvest margarine. It turned out delicious!

We spent a relaxed day at home, had a few friends stop by that night to say hi, watched a few Christmas movies. It was a great day.

Doodles

Flights of Fancy
Flying High
Soaring on an angel's wing
Into a world of magic
Catching a Star
Touching the Shimmery light
Flying to the highest heights
Or the Furthest reaches of darkness





Survive
How can we survive
When the only danger
Is our Lives
And the only escape
Is Death




Green man
Step softly, my sweet
You ne'er may know when
A green man
You may meet




Moonlight
Nothing was e'er as bright
As a soft, sweet summer's night
With elfin hoods
In fairy broods
Singing laughter on a breeze
Sifting through the moonlit trees

with heart

I've been trying to write from the heart. Its more difficult than I imagined. I realized something as I was reading through old poetry. They were smoke screens, an attempt to distract people from what was really happening in my head. And my heart. So I've been attempting to bring more of me into my work.

For one thing, I don't think I really know who I am, or what I am. I continually have things running through my head. I'm discovering new things about myself too. Like I'm strong, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I'm smart, I like to think, to roll new ideas through my mind and look at them from every angle possible.

I love words. I love to write, and I think this blag will help me find who I am through writing. So, I guess that's what this blag will be, a journey of self discovery through writing and poetry. If you ask me, I'm not a poetry writer, but sometimes my words form themselves into poem patterns. The words just lilt along. One thing I've had a problem with is ending the poems, they seem to drift off. The last few lines seem to escape me. I wrote something yesterday, I don't think its finished, but I can't for the life of me write the finishing lines.

Maybe thats the point though, there will always be something left, nothing will be finished. Which is why we make progress, always reaching for that infinite goal. Succeeding, failing, moving forwards, stepping backwards. But always growing, changing, moving.

Voyeurism

I watch people

Sitting Quietly in the Shadows

I see how they act

When no one sees

Who they really are

I hear what they say

the minuscule inflections

The words they use

The gestures they make

The faces they pull

I see behind the masks

The insincere eyes

the Fake smiles

the unshed tears

The truth behind the lies

The lies beyond the truth



this is why I have no friends

I found myself in a box today

With not much to say
But so much to tell

Hints of who I used to be
Hints of who I'm to become

Words fading with time
Lines fading into lines

Turning pages
Forwards and Backwards

Discovering a talent
Long hidden

A joy, a hobbie, an escape
A definition of me

Out of My Mind

I drift
I drift above the clouds
I fly among the stars
My body is still as
My fantasies take control
I rise above the contentions
Above the worries
All the people that
Surround me
Talking, always talking
They don't see what I see
Or experience the wonders
That I remember
They don't comprehend
All they can do is talk
I hover above them
For a moment
Then, out of my control
Involuntarily, I sink
I sink, back to the realities
The horrors of the world
But deep down I know
That I can escape
Floating again into my fantasies
Out of my mind

Growing up

My oldest child just came in here and said "Look mom!" He smiled real big and there was gap in his mouth, he held out the small white tooth that had previously resided there. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't even noticed any of his teeth being loose. I knew this day was coming but that didn't stop me from becoming slightly misty eyed.

I sometimes forget how old he is getting. My first child, growing up so quickly. He's in kindergarten now and so smart. This has reminded me though, that his firsts are becoming rare and few between. As a parent you go through all the mile markers of firsts, first tooth, first solid food, first step, first word, and on up to first day of school, and now this, first lost tooth. Somehow that makes him that much closer to growing up. I just keep thinking, now his adult teeth will be coming in.

Its a bittersweet moment for a parent. I'm so happy that he's growing up, yet I also wish he wouldn't do it so fast.

There will be more firsts. It just seems that the losing of a teeth is the beginning of a new era of firsts, the grown up one. Now we'll have first crushes, first books read, first driving experience, first dates, first kisses.

Bradley Jay Gerrard

I first met Brad when he got off his mission to Mongolia. He was such a fun loving guy. We didn't talk much until he met Susie, and he'd call me for advice. I thought it was so sweet how much he cared about her. I remember talking to him on the phone about her, and about cats.

When Brad and Susie got married, it was so perfect. They were so happy. Whenever we'd bring our kids to visit them, they always had so much fun. My kids thought of him as "fun uncle Brad". We were so excited when they moved to be closer to us. We'd take turns having Sunday dinner at each others houses. It was a fun tradition and when they moved to be even closer, it was fun spending time with them every day.

I remember the kids climbing on his shoulder as he ran through the house. Everyone laughing. I remember how willing Brad and Susie were to help anyone in need. They saw something that needed to be done and they did it. When I was pregnant with my third child, they were always helping me out in some small way. Watching my other kids so I could rest, helping with housework when I got overwhelmed, or just hanging out with me.

They were kind neighbors, a young girl moved in next door to them and they helped her move in. When they realized that she was lacking some household items like dishes and utensils they went through their things and asked if I had any extra, so that she would have something. Brad had a heart of gold and would give the shirt off his back to help someone in need.

When I heard of his death I was heartbroken. He's a good man that will be missed. He loved his job at the prison, he was the kind of guard that showed respect to everyone, and in turn was respected by everyone.

I was so happy for them when they were finally able to adopt a child. I knew they would be wonderful parents and it was hard watching them go through the heartache of not being able to conceive. He was wonderful with my children and I knew when given the opportunity he would be an amazing father. My heartaches for his young son, and the unborn child he's left behind. I hope with all my heart that those children will know what an amazing man their father was.

Need something to blog about?

Thanks rob! Something to keep me off the morbid.

Answer the following questions using one word:

Where is your cell phone? coffeetable
Where is your significant other? not sure
Your hair color? dishwater blonde
Your mother? twitterpated
Your father? interesting
Your favorite thing? rain
Your dream last night? nothing
Your dream/goal? happiness
The room you’re in? living
Your hobby? reading
Your fear? settling
Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
Where were you last night? home
What you’re not? whole
One of your wish-list items? comfort
Where you grew up? ut
The last thing you did? dinner
What are you wearing? jeans
Your TV? old
Your pet? someday
Your computer? HP
Your mood? hungry
Missing someone? yes
Your car? mercedes
Something you’re not wearing? bra
Favorite store? book
Your summer? normal
Love someone? maybe
Your favorite color? blue
When is the last time you laughed? afternoon
Last time you cried? tuesday

R.I.P. Brad

choices

Its either write or cry. I'm choosing to write. Whether I can get through this though is another story. I'm just sick over the senselessness of this weekend's atrocity. I've been reading the news articles online, probably making myself crazy. But reading has always been my way of dealing with things.

I'm making phone calls right now. Other people's pain has always effected me more than my own. Compassion I suppose its called. I just talked to my ex father in law. A strong, quiet man. He served in Vietnam. He was in tears talking to me and I could only just cry a long with him. I had never seen nor heard him cry before. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I can't imagine the pain of losing a brother, a spouse, a parent. But he was essentially a brother to me, and the pain of losing that connection is hard to bare.

I'm waiting for my ex sister in law to call back. I know she's having a really hard time. I can't imagine being her age and widowed. I don't know what to say to her. But I want her to know that I'm thinking of her and loving her through this difficult time.

He was such a great person. Friendly, funny, fun loving. He loved his family. I know he loved being a father. They had tried so hard for years to get pregnant and now she is and he's gone. He was a good uncle to my kids, they loved their Uncle Brad.

I just talked to her. She's doing pretty good, considering. Making jokes, and remembering him fondly. His death doesn't make sense and everyone is trying to make sense of it. She's happy to have a piece of him in her unborn child, and she plans on naming the baby after him. I'm both happy and sad for her. Happy that she's finally going to have a baby, and sad that she'll have to raise it without its father.

It all seems so surreal, and I wish I could feel, a little bit more than I have before.

I'm exhausted from all the emotions running through my soul. My eyes ache from crying. My heart aches for his family.

Human life is fleeting and frail. It doesn't take much to end it. It also doesn't take much to live and enjoy what you have. Enjoy each breath, each smell, each touch, each glance, each lingering look. Each late night conversation, each comfortable silence.

The frailty of life

I recently posted about loving the smell of death. I was talking about smelling dead leaves as they crunched under my feet. My friend and fellow blogger, Crandall, had recently posted about death in a post.

I didn't think I'd have to post about another death. Even less a murder. This last weekend was my ex's weekend with the kids. Since it was also near their birthdays they were going to stay on an extended weekend, and come home on Monday. Sunday morning I awoke to a text saying that my ex's brother had been shot and killed. The kids were dropped off Sunday afternoon.

I hadn't seen him in over two years. Its quite strange to think he's gone. He left behind a wife and child. He was a good man, active in his church, a hard worker. He was a Corrections Officer. He loved his job. He loved his family, and he loved his life.

I know he's in a better place, and that life goes on. And when the anniversary of his death comes around, we'll celebrate his life.

Death touches all of us eventually. None of us can escape it. "Life is the greatest teacher, unfortunately the final is a killer" I can't remember who said that but its true.

Just remember to live!

Questions

"Why are you still seeing him?"

Gee, I don't know. I hate when people ask questions like that. I feel put on the spot. Like I need to explain myself.

There are so many reasons. I don't feel like I can sum it up with one explanation. Talking til 3 in the morning. Only stopping because one of us has fallen asleep. Not because we've run out of stuff to talk about. Learning, laughing, being silent. Reading in silence, discussing in length, just enjoying each others company.

I don't have to be his version of me. I can just be me. My version of me. With all my ups and downs and faults and when I'm falling apart, he's just there to wrap me in his arms, pulling me close to his chest. All while he's talking me through it, getting me to hold on a little bit tighter to my sanity.

Aggravating.

So, I still see him from time to time.

Its easy.

Now, where do I find him?

Lists

Lists

My friend and I started making these lists of what we want in a guy. It provides hours of entertainment when work is slow. Some lists are serious, and some are just out there goofy. Here's the one I made today:

Stong
Smart
LOVES books
slightly geeky
knows how to dance
has good taste in music
and I know its shallow, but I like taller men, around 6' is good
likes motorcycles
good with cars
can hold an interesting conversation
and selfless

Now, my friend got a hold of it and added these things, these are just slightly ridiculous, I'm not that shallow LOL.

sexy
obedient
dresses casually
singer
6% body fat
great public speaker
at least a Ph,D or Masters

Whats more meaningful?

Usually when a person describes their most memorable relationship, they say the person taught them how to love. I think most humans have the ability to love ingrained in their DNA, we are compassionate people, we notice when our friends need something, we listen, we care. That's easy enough.

But what about a person who teaches someone how to BE loved. How to accept that they are worthy of the same care they so easily bestow on another person. I think that lesson is more important than the other.

How many of us actually learn it though? And do we realize what we're missing even? I'm not sure.

This was inspired in part by a conversation I was having with a friend the other night. Also in part by a movie I had watched recently. I found the line "you taught me how to love" kind of cheesy. Because I think that's a fairly easy lesson to learn.

Death

I love the smell of death. The sweet stench of dying that drifts through the fall air. The crunch it makes as I traipse through it. The bite of cold that I can taste. The colors that drift and pile everywhere. Yet, I hate it, it means winter is just around the corner. When nothing is happening, nothing is dying, nothing is living, but the world is frozen in a state of nothingness.

Winter is my least favorite season. Especially if I have to be out in it. I'm not a big fan of the cold. If I can be inside, wrapped up, with a cup of hot chocolate, a toasty fire, then I don't mind it so much. Its the freezing ears, frozen noses, icicle fingers, that get to me.

I tend to sink further and wallow more when the weather is dreary. Although I love rain. We had a good hard storm a few weekends in a row. I was in heaven. Every once in awhile, I'd step outside and just let the rain wash over me. Sinking into the smell. Watching as the storm moved in and out over us. It was beautiful. Watching the mountain disappear and reappear, covered in white.

I really do love living here. For the moment its where I need and want to be. Even if the weather is flighty.

Scary isn't it?

Caring.

Yeah, I guess it is. Frightening in fact. Although not as frightening as having someone care about you. The responsibility goes up, you now have to care for yourself as well. Because if someone else thinks you are worthy of care, you damn better too.

I'm sure there are many out there who care, just as I care about many. But they do it subtly and not so obviously. So I go through life blissfully unaware. Then someone breezes through my life, and in a very obvious way points out that I'm worthy of the care of another human. So, now what? I can feel my heart opening, and its painful.

What gets me is the sincerity in those three little words... 'Are you ok?' Something a good many people have asked, yet not a lot have meant. More a passing courtesy, like saying 'hi' when greeting someone, commenting on the weather, things of that nature. But to have someone actually ask 'Are you ok?' with genuine concern. I think that phrase will forever mean more to me than what it once did.